10:10pm Saturday: Crap. The Logies are tomorrow?
10:12pm: Wait. Why haven't I heard anything about the Logies being on tomorrow until now? Are they still embarrassed about Karl Stefanovic winning the Gold Logie last year? I would be, if I was anyone else in the industry.
5:13pm Sunday: It's also a hundred years since the sinking of the Titanic today. Seems appropriate.
7:41pm: Do I even use this blog for anything other than liveblogging the Logies any more?
8:01pm: What's worse: Jules Lund's continued presence at these red carpet shows or One Direction's “performing”?
8:02pm: It is incredible how not even the rent-a-crowd can fake believable enthusiasm.
8:04pm: It's going to be a long night.
8:05pm: Yay! Awesome Gay Chris is here! And HOT!
8:05pm: Seriously, if they could do the entire red carpet show in a 45-second bluescreen sequence, it would be far more tolerable. And far less fug.
8:06pm: I love Chrissie Swan. But this nightgown she's wearing is not helping.
8:06pm: What on earth is on Livinia's shoulders?
8:07pm: Shane Crawford? Really?
8:07pm: Charlotte Dawson and Dicko, apparently attending the funeral of fashion sense.
8:08pm: Was that just Kat Stewart wearing a bodylength henna tattoo in place of a dress?
8:08pm: I usually can't stand Hamish or Andy, but making a Big Brother joke in Sonia's presence? I think I'm back to neutral.
8:09pm: SHUT UP ABOUT THE BLOCK.
8:10pm: Myer. Myer. MYER!
8:11pm: Oh, Michelle Bridges. If you stopped coming to the Logies, who would be the new Worst Dressed every year?
8:11pm: JESUS CHRIST MY EYES.
8:15pm: Flo Rida? Wow, relevant.
8:16pm: You'd love it if he ripped his short off, wouldn't you, Jules?
8:16pm: Julia Gillard's nominated for Gold Logie? Or is that Amanda Bishop?
8:17pm: Carrie Bickmore is favourite for the Gold Logie? The bookies need to be shot.
8:17pm: Yes, I never thought she'd be nominated either.
8:18pm: “That's not the ratings, that's Network Ten's profits!” GROAN.
8:18pm: Asher Keddie is short. And wearing neon for no reason, apparently.
8:19pm: “You do a lot of work for charity. How many shows have you done for the ABC?” Oh, Sonja.
8:20pm: In fairness to Adam Hills, I want to hit Karl as well. And I'm not even competing against him.
8:20pm: Jules commenting on why they shouldn't “bring blokes to the Logies” because “they just bring the glamour down”. Oh, the irony.
8:21pm: K-Mart. No, wait. Myer!
8:22pm: Why is Rebecca Twigley here? And what on EARTH is Lisa Wilkinson wearing?
8:23pm: Yay, commercials! The funnest part of any red carpet event!
8:26pm: It seems odd TV Week wouldn't have insisted on their name being on the giant Logie statue.
8:26pm: Shut up Shane. A prank from the Chaser is the only way tonight will actually be interesting.
8:26pm: Wait, Dancing With The Stars is on? Fuck this shit.
8:27pm: Tony Bennett. How... random. Who's next, Bob Barker?
8:27pm: Shane Crawford thinks being nominated for two Logies is “greedy”? Let's take away all those Logies they've given to The Footy Show then.
8:30pm: Erik Thomson, do NOT encourage Jules. If he had a bright future, people would have watched Hole In The Wall.
8:30pm: Am I the only person who doesn't like Hugh Sheridan?
8:31pm: Gigi Edgley doesn't look anywhere near as bad when she's not some weird blue-grey hybrid colour.
8:32pm: Is Natalie Gruzlewski dressed as an art deco toilet roll holder?
8:32pm: A Current Affair commercial claims the fun doesn't start until after the Logies. I believe it.
8:35pm: Oh, that's why I gave up on Dancing With The Stars. SHUT UP, DAN MCPHERSON.
8:36pm: Are air sacs in dresses the new trend? Why?
8:36pm: The rent-a-crowd are more enthusiastic for Sonja and Jules than they were for One Direction. Huh. I would have thought Jules neutralised Sonja's appeal.
8:37pm: I'm sure there was a sponsor for this shameless Myer bit, but I can't remember what they're called.
8:38pm: Livinia, Jules, Sonia, and Shane could not possibly be less enthused by the presence of Flo Rida. Hee.
8:39pm: Do we need people marching across the stage in lingerie?
8:39pm: It's no wonder this awards show has an even worse reputation than the Brownlow. I mean, at least the footballers are upfront about how little they respect skimpily-dressed women.
8:41pm: This performance will soon be joining waterboarding and sleep deprivation as recognised forms of torture.
8:42pm: First Richard Wilkins sighting of the night.
8:43pm: “Sometimes I get a good feeling.” Tonight is not one of those times.
8:43pm: Thank God for Adam Hills.
8:44pm: “Hosting the Logie Awards is like being one of Gina Rinehart's children. Sounds good, but you get nothing out of it.” Truer words have never been spoken. Except for possibly “WATCHING the Logie Awards...”
8:44pm: “I'd rather be opening the Joseph Kony Childcare Centre right now.” Me too.
8:45pm: Muppets and Gotye jokes? Win.
8:46pm: Adam Hills deserves the Gold Logie for this monologue alone.
8:46pm: “CAN WE STOP CELEBRATING IDIOTS ON TELEVISION?” Nine is bringing back Big Brother instead of The Mole. So... not yet, apparently.
8:47pm: Kardashian jokes are always welcome. ALWAYS.
8:49pm: “Because of Karl, I achieved comedy zen enlightenment.” Oh, we've all been there.
8:49pm: Actress popularity contest.
8:50pm: Asher Keddie. Because the Logies would be nothing without foregone conclusions.
8:54pm: Coming up! Hall of fame! Gold Logie! Presenters! (I am not making this up. They actually tried to sell “presenters!” as something to look forward to.)
8:56pm: We have Flo Rida, Seal, Tony Bennett, AND One Direction performing tonight. Odd decision from an awards show that was scheduled to follow a show all about finding Australian talent.
8:58pm: Kate Ritchie and Alex Dimitriades. One was on The Slap, one's makeup makes her look like a slapper.
8:59pm: Actor popularity contest.
9:00pm: Yes, Wild Boys. That bastion of popularity.
9:00pm: This award better be for Eddie Perfect. Polka-dotted shirt be damned.
9:01pm: Hugh Sheridan. Fuck. Announcer claims he's never left the Logies empty-handed. It seems like there should be some sort of innuendo here.
9:03pm: Kenny and Chiana, presenting the light entertainment popularity contest.
9:03pm: I swear I wrote the above Brownlow joke before Kenny just made pretty much the same exact comment.
9:04pm: Always a good sign when your “highlight” is a newsreading blooper, SUNRISE.
9:05pm: Hamish and Andy's Gap Year. I believe it when the announcer says they've never won an award before.
9:06pm: As much as Go Back To Where You Came From tried to dispel that thought, the only thing stopping me from saying it to Richard Wilkins is not wanting to inflict him on the fine people of New Zealand.
9:08pm: Really, Nine? You don't have the class to congratulate winners from other networks? (Wait. Why am I surprised?)
9:12pm: Whoever is writing the announcer guy's blatant lies deserves a promotion next year.
9:13pm: Julia Morris and Manu Feildel, presenting documentary popularity contest.
9:13pm: None of these nominees are winning the less-publicised Least Use Of Place Names In Show Title award.
9:15pm: Bondi something or rather. I really don't care.
9:16pm: “Karl Stefanovic is television's complete package.” Not biased at all.
9:17pm: Chrissie Swan and Lincoln Lewis, being generally hilarious and presenting the reality popularity contest.
9:18pm: How did Beauty and the Geek get nominated, yet so many other passable shows didn't?
9:19pm: The Block. Will probably be the only actual surprise of the evening, unless Molly doesn't get inducted into the Hall of Fame.
9:22pm: Shut up, Scott Cam.
9:23pm: Coming up: Hamish & Andy make nuisances of themselves some more, and Delta sings. I presume they mean Delta Goodrem, because Delta the former Gladiator would probably sound like a drag queen. Then again, it IS the Logies, and we've already had Flo Rida AND One Direction.
9:26pm: You know what? Sorry, fine people of New Zealand. GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, RICHARD WILKINS.
9:27pm: Delta is pitchy as fuck. And singing a bad song. And looking like a piece of buttered popcorn.
9:30pm: In the entire audience, exactly ONE person is dancing along. Seems generous.
9:31pm: “Carrie Bickmore sits on a table with Hughesy every night.” Just in case you forgot she didn't work at Channel Nine.
9:32pm: Hamish and Andy, doing the sports categories.
9:33pm: Probably not a good idea to use red telestrator graphics in a room with a red carpet and a bunch of spray-tanned nitwits.
9:35pm: Remember when we used to have decent sports coverage in this country?
9:35pm: AFL Grand Final wins the popularity contest. Take that, NRL!
9:37pm: Chrissie and Sonia being present at the Logies is balanced out by Ryan Fitzgerald's continuing “fame”, surely.
9:39pm: NRL wins the talent round. Take that, AFL!
9:41pm: Ray Warren thinks rugby league has never won a Logie before. Wasn't there a long stretch where their Footy Show kept winning, not that long ago?
9:42pm: Ray Warren, feeling the need to explain the intricacies of league to an audience in Melbourne, even though many of them have flown down from Sydney.
9:43pm: Adam Hills, ruining his reputation by being associated with Carrie and Dick. Sigh.
9:44pm: Yes, Adam, you should have worn heels.
9:45pm: Dear Richard Wilkins: The fact that NOBODY has expressed enthusiasm about seeing One Direction should tell you to stop pimping them so hard.
9:48pm: Shameless cross-promotion for the Kath & Kim movie! Must have been financed by Myer or something.
9:50pm: Prue and Trude! More deserving of a Logie than at least half of the people in the room.
9:51pm: Most popular presenter. Adam Hills and Chrissie Swan versus... a bunch of nitwits. So, basically, this is the Gold Logie field, with Chrissie Swan replacing Asher Keddie.
9:54pm: ADAM! There is a God.
9:55pm: “That name doesn't sound like Hamish Blake!” No, it doesn't, and there's a good reason for that.
9:56pm: “If [some guy] doesn't get a lifetime achievement award next year, I will run nude across the stage.” Motion to deliberately find someone else to give the award to?
9:57pm: The other Yellow Wiggle, making jokes about being replaced. Almost as funny as when I learned the teenage stars of Degrassi are told to think of double-fisting in order to make those overblown moany faces they seem to like.
9:57pm: This Camp Orange thing looks exactly like my kind of crappy kids game show.
9:58pm: My Place wins, though. I wasn't even paying attention to whether it was a popularity contest or a talent contest award.
10:00pm: Why are the people who accept the kids award always the classiest of the people who just thank everyone they know?
10:04pm: Has Nine picked Logies night to change their “look”? Or am I only just noticing now?
10:04pm: Hall of Fame. JPY, inducting Molly Meldrum. Probably the most deserved induction in years and years. (Not that the recent inductees aren't deserving, but... you know. The question here wasn't so much “When are they going to do it?” as it was “Why HAVEN'T they done it?”).
10:06pm: And Red Symons too.
10:08pm: And Delta? This is going to take FOREVER.
10:09pm: Clip package, showing Molly does in fact have hair. Who knew?
10:11pm: Admiring Madonna's pearl necklace. So many jokes to be made.
10:14pm: Dannii Minogue and Michael Gudinski, doing little but introducing Elton John.
10:15pm: Gudinski claiming Elton and Molly are “almost perfect pairs, after all”. Yeah, but neither of them want to Kiss The Bride.
10:17pm: This would only have been better if Molly was present to accept the award.
10:20pm: Seal, thankfully without Richard Wilkins introducing him.
10:22pm: If I wasn't so distracted by how ragged his face looks, this would probably be an impressive performance.
10:24pm: Air-conducting the orchestra? It certainly beats playing the air kazoo.
10:25pm: Asher Keddie's nominee package. Seriously, they couldn't have possibly made her sound more boring.
10:25pm: Rove, doing whatever it is he does, and rather poorly at that. Also presenting the Graham Kennedy new talent award and simultaneously reminding us that he is not in fact the second coming of Gra-Gra.
10:26pm: “I'M BEING HECKLED BY ONE DIRECTION!” Understandable.
10:27pm: And there's our annual joke at Larry Emdur's expense.
10:28pm: Chelsie Preston Crayford. Who apparently was on Shortland Street, which counts as an Aussie show for quota purposes, so shouldn't she be disqualified from the “new talent” awards?
10:31pm: Another minute with Richard Wilkins. Can we cut off their mics after sixty seconds next year, like Today does with its gossip guy? Because SERIOUSLY.
10:35pm: Warning about upcoming dead people in this segment. Apparently the Montage of Rotting Corpses is coming.
10:37pm: Or just Denise Scott, presenting the new male talent popularity contest. (This could get confusing.)
10:39pm: “Menopausal women really should stay at home.” But where's the fun in that?
10:39pm: Two interchangable Home & Away guys, an SBS chef, some guy from Winners & Losers, and Awesome Gay Chris.
10:40pm: One of the guys from Home & Away. I'm not entirely sure it matters which.
10:41pm: “And I include women in blokes.” Yeah, he's not winning another Logie.
10:42pm: Alison Langdon from 60 Minutes and Hamish MacDonald (and his unplacable accent) from many low-rating shows on Ten, presenting outstanding factual program.
10:44pm: Go Back To Where You Came From. Easily the most deserving award for a show since that time Shaun Micallef or whoever it was blindfolded some random and got them to present an award to The Mole.
10:46pm: Thanking the asylum seekers? Classy.
10:47pm: Mick Molloy introducing the Montage of Rotting Corpses by ranting about what it means to be an Australian. Really, Mick? After the last award?
10:49pm: Wow, so many people I don't recognise.
10:52pm: As awesome as Sarah Watt and Paul Lockyer and the other dead people undoubtedly were, this might be the first time they have ever picked the right people to start and end the montage. Granted, this year seemed to mostly be “Hey, It's That Guy!” actors and behind the scenes people without mass appeal, but still.
10:55pm: The announger guy, reminding us what we're sitting through so we don't have to do it next year.
10:56pm: One Direction, presenting new female talent popularity contest by making a lame reference to their being sluts.
10:57pm: Melissa Bergland. Good choice, and not just because it's an actual NEW talent for the first time in about five years.
10:57pm: She's going to look like Maria Venuti when she's God knows how old.
10:59pm: Adam Hills nominee package, pointing out his continued failure.
10:59pm: Stephen Curry and Essie Davis, the latter of whom is currently making Karl look sober, presenting actor talent contest.
11:01pm: Rob Carlton. Who knew a guy playing Kerry Packer would win an award sponsored by a magazine he once owned?
11:04pm: START THE TIMER.
11:06pm: This year was truly the year of the shapeless silk sack.
11:07pm: Announcing the best dressed on Today? You mean I waited over three hours for nothing?
11:08pm: STOP THE TIMER. Four minutes.
11:11pm: Grimmers and Kerry. Outstanding new coverage.
11:12pm: Five different news stories, five different networks. And yet the one network that tried to reinvent itself as the home of news last year? Nothing.
11:13pm: Queensland floods, to be accepted by Nine's Melbourne news anchors. Of course.
11:14pm: Peter Overton, making cock jokes. At least it beats Karl talking about his wife's arse again.
11:16pm: “Outstanding public affairs report”. Notably, ACA and Today Tonight are not nominated.
11:17pm: Four Corners abattoir story. I wish I could fake surprise right now.
11:19pm: Apologising for the content of the story changing the tone of the evening. She's got a point, I have to admit. Don't the Walkleys already cover TV news? And if the reasoning behind keeping the award is so every genre is represented, why not one for game shows? Or cooking shows? Or community television?
11:24pm: Fuck off, Richard Wilkins.
11:24pm: Tony Bennett, giving this evening a rare dose of dignity and class.
11:25pm: Get off the stage, Drysdale.
11:27pm: Esther Anderson's nominee package.
11:27pm: Georgie Parker and Don Hany, doing talented actresses. So to speak. We'll probably have to get Georgie a bit drunk first before that happens.
11:30pm: Melissa George, absent but having a costar pick up the award.
11:31pm: Are we there yet?
11:31pm: Vapid interview with Tony Bennett.
11:33pm: Shameless TV Week crosspromotion.
11:37pm: Hughesy, doing an Ministry Of Silly Walks entrance.
11:39pm: Yes, threesomes are only weird when there's more than one guy involved. SHUT UP.
11:40pm: Lifestyle program popularity contest. I swear half these shows don't actually exist.
11:41pm: Better Homes & Gardens. I'm so glad it wasn't Ready Steady Cook.
11:42pm: Wow, Johanna Griggs has stacked it on.
11:44pm: Hamish Blake nominee package, calling him a “phenomenon” and conveniently brushing over the fact that none of his shows have actually rated very well. He's like the male Jackie O. Or a less annoying Tom Williams.
11:45pm: Sigrid Thornton and John Wood, presenting drama popularity contest.
11:46pm: Packed To The Rafters.
11:47pm: Karl and Lisa, presenting light entertainment. Because they know about entertainment.
11:52pm: Spicks & Specks. I could be wrong about this, but it feels like the ABC has won more awards tonight than the commercial networks. And it's about time they got a kick in the pants, because seriously. There's been a LOT of crap this past year, and only some of it has featured men in leotards.
11:57pm: Rodger Corser and Jacki Weaver. Miniseries or TV movie. Outstanding, clearly, because miniseries/telemovie and popularity? Not often used in the same sentence, and tonight will be no different.
12:00am Monday: The Slap. Yay!
12:02am: The final sight of Richard Wilkins of this overlong telecast. It's been over four hours now. HURRY THE FUCK UP.
12:04am: Seal comparing the Logies to the Oscars, confirming TV Week does not release any incriminating photographs.
12:08am: Shaun Micallef is presenting the Gold Logie? Seems like an odd choice, given how he was received when he hosted the Logies. Next year: Wendy Harmer!
12:10am: “Karl, deserve is such an overused word”. HA!
12:11am: Hamish Blake? Really, Australia? I give up.
12:16pm: Andy looks pissed.
12:18pm: The sad thing is Hamish probably thinks this actually DOES make him president of something.
12:18pm: FUCK OFF, RICHARD WILKINS. Is he trying to start his Hall of Fame bid early?
12:19pm: One Direczzzzzzzzzzzz.
12:20pm: Do they seriously think a four-hour break is going to make us forget it's the same song they sang during the red carpet show?
12:27pm: Well, that's over. Or something. I stopped paying attention about three hours ago.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Logies Liveblog 2011
1912: Champagne flavoured Easter eggs, dictaphone facsimile, desire to be doing anything else tonight, we're all set to go.
1919: Tonight better be good. I'm missing two awesome Japanese game shows for this.
1930: Hurry up, I want this to be over already.
1930: Fuck, there's still the freaking red carpet "special".
1931: I swear to God, I have no idea who most of the people in this lame credits montage are. And the ones I do know, I can't stand.
1931: Speaking of, here's Jules Lund!
1932: And Livinia Nixon and Shelley Craft, wearing the finest snotty Kleenex money can buy!
1932: Oh, the Myer pimping's starting early this time.
1933: 40 minutes, James Mathison? And even then, I'll still have to sit through Maroon 5 and Katy Perry? Fuck that shit.
1934: Natalie Gruzlewski, jaundiced lobster.
1934: Matt Preston. Which reminds me, I'm also missing Masterchef for this. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, TELEVISION.
1935: Talking to Maroon 5. I briefly switch over to watch Ninja Warrior for a little while.
1936: Pimping the Gold Logie nominees. Oy.
1937: Of COURSE they make a point of interviewing Karl Stefanovic first, while the lines are still open and everybody remembers the numbers.
1937: Wow, Jules has a fugly microphone.
1938: Oooh, Bindi Irwin in a montage. Wonder if the Glory Boys have gotten to her/it yet.
1938: Livinia, interviewing the two female trainers from The Biggest Loser, thinks this is the best season ever.
1939: Tiffiny Hall looks like the drag queen version of Ajay Rochester. Which is to say, she looks like Ajay Rochester. Michelle, on the other hand, looks like a giant bowtie.
1940: Firass Durani again. How is he nominated this year when he was also nominated for the same season of Underbelly last year?
1941: Shaun Micallef! Woo!
1942: Shane Bourne. Eh. Seems odd to interview the host right after someone who outshines him in almost every way.
1943: MYER!
1944: Carrie Bickmore's designer? Right colour, wrong person. And wrong outfit.
1944: No, I'm sorry, Rebecca Twigley/Judd/whatever has no reason to even be here, let alone be Best Dressed. Fuck off.
1948: Yeah, I'd like to throttle Stephen Curry too, Micallef.
1948: CHRISSIE! And of COURSE they have to conveniently make it look unprofessional by having a giant boom mic in the background.
1949: Imeediately after leaving the interview with Jules, Chrissie was heard demanding mouthwash.
1950: Nice to see Nine's graphics department is able to correctly spell Kerri-Anne's surname.
1950: Shut up, Scott Cam.
1951: The Block's coming to 7pm weeknights? Gee, there's a shocker. #winning?
1951: Roy and HG! Hello boys!
1951: The awards might be "fast approaching", Shelley, but they're still not fast enough.
1952: Interesting they're not pimping Karl outright, but the voting graphic with him on it is displayed for far longer than the other one.
1953: Hamish and Andy. Why are they famous, again?
1953: Oh, they've got a new show on Nine. Whatever.
1954: Interesting choice, interviewing a Best New Talent nominee while pointing out they've been to the Logies before.
1955: Eddie Perfect has the most apt name ever.
1955: He's 87 years old? Now I feel like a pervert. Even more than usual, I mean.
1956: Asher Keddie, who appears to be wearing the full-body equivalent of a Wonderbra.
1957: MYER! Time for more Ninja Warrior.
1957: Oh, it's finished. Damn.
1958: Wow, Gigi Edgley has not aged well since Farscape.
1958: No, seriously, Katy Perry. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MONSTROSITY? It makes a Gaga gaffe look positively normal!
2000: I started the show with four bags of these alcoholic Easter eggs, and now there are just three eggs left. Note to self: Next year, mix own vodka.
2001: Hey, look, it's naked fat people! Yeah, I'll be back after checking out what game they're playing on Unbeatable Banzuke tonight.
2005: Andre Rieu? Isn't Katy Perry enough torture?
2006: Remove the support struts from your rack, Charlotte Dawson.
2007: As Molly walks past, I realise I'm eternally grateful Ruby Rose isn't doing the red carpet tonight.
2007: Katy Perry, playing the role of mid-1980's leprechaun.
2008: "We're gonna liven this *bleep* up." Why am I not surprised she has no class?
2009: Who is Sarah Snook?
2010: Go, Rebecca Gibney, not being drawn into the anti-Chrissie smear campaign!
2015: Jules Lund is only jealous because he doesn't have anyone with which to "get a room".
2016: 6 minutes and 30 seconds to the actual show. I'm not sure I'm going to make it sober.
2017: Jamie Durie also pimping his new show and dancing suggestively. WHERE IS GRANT BOWLER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
2018: Melissa Bergland doesn't look bad. She's clearly in the wrong place.
2019: James, stop acting like it's a secret Manu's doing Dancing With The Stars.
2020: Interesting there's no men in these Best Dressed voting montages.
2021: No, Sonja Kruger, the dress slit's supposed to go on the side of the dress.
2021: MYER!
2021: I know it's hard to tell the difference, but of the two people on the screen needing subtitles, I don't think Rebecca Whatever is the one with facial hair.
2022: Of course I switch over to Banzuke again just in time to see Sam Pang in lederhosen. He'd probably win Best Dressed, with the standard of tonight's efforts.
2023: About fucking time.
2023: Opening with Katy Perry? Aaaaand back to Banzuke.
2026: All the dancing spotlights are there solely to distract from her clear miming, right? If only they were working.
2028: Fifteen minutes late and we haven't even really begun yet. We might as well have had Today Tonight as a lead-in.
2028: No, Shane, Katy Perry was not "good", or "spectacular".
2028: Eeeeee, John Foreman!
2029: This is the 53rd Logies. If they were to do one of those Most Wanted things where every Logies night is represented by a playing card, this is the one that gets left off. Even the one Gretel hosted is the Six of Clubs.
2030: More chefs in the audience than the kitchen. Heh.
2030: About time someone pointed out the irony of The Biggest Loser and Masterchef being on the same network. Bonus points for doing it on the only time this year they'll both air on the same night.
2031: Yes, because Shane Bourne frequently visits clothing stores for the morbidly obese.
2031: Mocking Kochie will never fail to make me laugh.
2033: Shane's also presenting the night's first award. Yay!
2034: What do elephants have to do with anything?
2034: Tahnee Atkinson's doing the award handing-out again this year, looking like one of those fabric doll things you put over loose toilet rolls. Not surprised.
2034: Most Popular New Male Talent. I don't remeber voting for any of these people.
2036: Firass Durani. Didn't he win this last year?
2037: Oh, look. Colonel Sanders believes in adoption.
2038: Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! This bandstand wa'n't doublebolted!
2039: Faustina Agolley and Andre Rieu? Odd match.
2039: Shut up, Andre.
2039: Most Popular New Female Talent. Ignoring the fact that she's not actually a New Talent at all, Chrissie Swan better win this in the absence of Lily Serna. Also, SBS needs to learn how to run a vote-rigging campaign.
2040: CHRISSIE!!!!!!!!
2041: "I swear, Andre, if I was 30 years older..." HA!
2042: The MYER! Minutes are back, complete with that haberdasher of asshattery Richard Wilkins. Great. (One of last year's "minutes" went for six, let's see how bad we do this year.)
2044: Did Natalie just deliberately fuck up Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation's name?
2044: Two minutes.
2045: Commercials. Someone kill me now.
2048: Actress Catherine McClements, presenting Most Popular Presenter. Ironic.
2049: Hee, she mispronounced "Stefanovic". I love her.
2050: Really, you picked Karl? Fuck you, Australia.
2051: SHUT UP, KARL.
2051: NO, REALLY.
2052: DON'T MAKE ME DUST OFF THE GRIM REAPER COSTUME.
2053: Shane Jacobsen and Megan Gale, presenting... little more than plugs for their own commercial ventures. ($20 says MYER! drops their sponsorship for next year's Logies, or bans Megan from presenting.) Also, Most Popular Drama.
2054: Home & Away and Neighbours are two nominees? Must have been a bad year.
2055: Six nominees? Huh.
2055: MYER!
2055: Rafters.
2055: Surprised Erik didn't steal an old speech like he was planning to do after Shaun Micallef did it last year.
2057: Awww, class at the Logies. Who'd'a thunk it?
2058: Of course Nine pimps Karl's win the first chance they get. Wankers.
2101: Must we revive the lame "Let's meet the Gold Logie nominees!" schtick?
2103: "I'm just going to have a couple of drinks!" "WARNING: EVERYONE PRESS RECORD!" Love. Him.
2104: I did not need to picture Shane Bourne in a G-string. Or a thong.
2104: Chrissie Swan, using the Logie for its only logical purpose: As a blunt object to assault people. Damn it, she better win the Gold.
2106: Adam Hills, presenting a "spontaneous" round of applause for Shane. Not fooling me.
2108: I also never thought I'd hear someone say the words "Thank God for Hey Hey It's Saturday."
2108: Most Popular Lifestyle Program: Better Homes & Gardens. Once again, we've narrowly avoided Dr. Harry stabbing someone with his cane.
2109: Johanna Griggs, mocking Karl. Damn it, now I have to pretend to forgive her for the over-enunciated "BAY-JING in CHI-NUH" speeches during the Olympics.
2111: "Andre Rieu: Arnold Schwarzenegger in drag. Just puttin' it out there." Adam needs to host next year.
2111: Most Popular Factual Program. Odds a show about Bondi will win: 40%
2112: Make that 100%. Damn it, why can't people get over Bondi Rescue already?
2112: Yeah, I'm getting the Reaper costume out after all. And here I thought I wouldn't need it between the red carpet arrivals and whichever version of The Footy Show is due to win the sports coverage Logie this year.
2114: They could have saved money by bringing up a couple of bogans from Dandenong to accept the award.
2114: Craig Reucassel and Chris Taylor, mocking Karl, the Queen, and Twitter.
2116: Most Popular Reality Show. Vote counting verified by Sarah Murdoch.
2117: Yeah, Craig, that would have been embarassing if you'd named the wrong winner. (Still, Australia's Next Top Model wasn't nominated, so make of that what you will.)
2118: Why is George wearing jeans to the Logies?
2119: Next: Hamish and Andy. What else is on right now?
2120: Two And A Half Men and Bones repeats. Odd they're not even trying, given the Logies are as popular as a syphilitic Hitler clone.
2122: "Please welcome 2011 Logie nominee Hamish Blake... and his friend." Ouch.
2123: Why is everyone trying to tell us Shane is the greatest thing to happen to the Logies since Wendy Harmer was fired as host?
2125: Noeline Brown can make even Hamish and Andy mildly entertaining.
2125: "All hail the Nine Network." Heh.
2126: Was Dance Academy even a show?
2127: Of course there's some showboaty gimmick to get Katy Perry on stage again.
2128: "I can barely forming sentences." Well, clearly.
2129: Nice to see someone told her the names of a few Australian shows. Shame Joan Rivers still seemed more intelligent.
2130: Most Popular Light Entertainment. Someone actually voted for Hey Hey? And Sunrise?
2131: The Circle! Happy dance! This bodes well for stopping the Gold Logie's reputation to be sullied by association with Karl.
2132: I realise the Gold Logie has to actually have a good reputation to avoid being sullied. It's called irony, people.
2133: I'm willing to bet Yumi's "Choose JOY!" comment was a direct result of the same wonderful people who compared The Circle to an STI last year. (They're on Twitter, follow @jamesfindlay and @nathvalvo. Also follow me @NewsAtEleven.) (What, it's not like there's no shameless product placement on this awards show. MYER!)
2134: Is it too late to put Denise Drysdale in the Hall Of Fame?
2134: MYE... Wait, RED ROOSTER! Did they drop their sponsorship already?
2136: Bored now. Time for bad Glee slashfic.
2137: Three minutes.
2141: I leave Blaine and Karofsky for a few minutes to learn that Shane is busy pretending to care about the stars of Packed To The Rafters.
2143: Roy and HG, presenting the two sports categories. Naturally.
2145: Most Outstanding Sports Show.
2145: Of course they mock the NRL Footy Show for always winning, then wind up giving it to the AFL version.
2146: Someone throw the Big Balls at James Brayshaw.
2147: Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Same events as every Commonwealth Games year: Commonwealth Games, Ashes, State of Origin, Melbourne Cup, AFL Grand Final. The other usual nominee, Bathurst, misses out. Oh, well.
2149: Ashes. Seriously, do we have any TV presenters in this country who didn't come in through a backdoor any more?
2152: First South African to accept a Logie, I believe.
2153: And both sports winners also get congratulatory ads.
2157: Shane introducing the In Memoriam bit. Let's see who gets forgotten this year.
2158: Yes, that's right, Tripod and Eddie Perfect are a classy choice for this.
2200: Couldn't they have found a better pic for Adriana Xenides? I don't remember her ever being a Survivor contestant.
2201: Number of people I recognised: 6. Hmm, higher than usual. (Alternatively, it means I'm closer to dying.)
2206: Karl's actually presenting as well? Fuck this shit.
2207: Outstanding News Coverage. Wow, this was a bad year for coverage, if Kochie's work with the NZ mine disaster is nominated.
2208: And the winner.
2211: Outstanding Current Affairs Coverage. How current is the Hey Dad story, anyway? Surely not recent enough to qualify. (But then again, half the cast was nominated for Best New Talent this year.)
2213: I wasn't actually paying attention. Who won?
2214: Jana Wendt, doing the Hall Of Fame. Don't they usually give these people their own segment.
2215: Laurie Oakes. Suck it, that guy from Channel Seven whose name I don't care to remember!
2217: Howard, Abbott, Rudd, Gillard, and Beazley all congratulating him? Don't they have anything better to pretend to do?
2218: At least Kerry O'Brien's wearing clothes this time.
2220: Why is Julie from Masterchef sitting next to the sports guy from Today?
2221: Journalism is a lot like crack cocaine. That's why so many of my tweets could easily be hashtagged #journalust.
2224: It appears Laurie Oakes has adapted his "TV makes journalism more interesting" approach to his autobiography.
2225: Next: Maroon 5.
2226: Okay, the Laurie Oakes congratulatory ad isn't nearly as annoying and presumptuous as the rest.
2229: Fuck off, Richard Wilkins.
2231: And Maroon 5.
2233: MYER!
2235: Best Dressed celebrity isn't a TV star. Wish I was surprised.
2236: Just short of three minutes.
2239: Shane Bourne, still pretending his career hasn't gone down the drain after hosting this dreck.
2239: Awww, that was a mouth organ joke worthy of Craig Ferguson.
2241: No, we don't need a blues riff right now. Or this entire segment.
2242: Jamie Durie and Sarah Murdoch. Most Outstanding Factual Program.
2243: Wow, Jamie's tiny. At least, the parts we can see while he's fully clothed.
2244: I watched precisely none of these nominees.
2245: The Trishna and Krishna doco won. Or something.
2247: Having the TV Week logo underneath the Logie to be shown when people lift it up in celebration is completely shameless and offensive. And kind of clever.
2248: Chris Lilley, presenting the Graham Kennedy Award (aka Most Outstanding New Talent).
2249: Firass Durani again. Turns out eight of the eleven secret herbs and spices can be found in his hair gel.
2253: This Mother's Day, nothing says "I love you, modern women" like a sewing machine. Fuck you, Janome.
2254: Shaun Micallef is indeed a National Treasure, announcer guy.
2255: Heh, I love when people mock the categories they're presenting.
2256: Hugh Sheridan is the Most Popular Male Actress. Thank God Shaun qualified this by pointing out it wasn't for the best actor. Because really? Not really.
2258: "I think I speak for everyone in the entertainment industry when I say thank God we no longer live in the age of Shakespeare." I want that on a shirt.
2259: Asher Keddie is the Most Popular Female Actor.
2300: Why ith the thtill doing the Ita Buttrothe lithp?
2302: MYE... JENNY CRAIG! And RED ROOSTER! on the same night? Odd.
2303: SHUT UP, EVERYBODY ON MY TV SCREEN.
2305: Three minutes.
2307: I have no idea who this Jessie J person is supposed to be. Or why she looks like a bad Cher impersonator. (Channel surfing during the commercial breaks has shown me that Josh Groban is currently performing on ABC2, so *makes hand-weighing motion*. At least it's not Andre Rieu.)
2309: So much for the skills Luke Jacobz got on Dancing With The Stars.
2310: I suspect if it wasn't about the money, this woman (?) would not be performing right now.
2311: MYE... RED ROOSTER! Karl and Richard Wilkins on TV at the same time? Groban wins... barely.
2312: Damn, he's done already.
2312: Don't worry, Karl, I won't be watching Today tomorrow.
2313: Two minutes. Huh.
2316: Rachel Griffiths, with a list of award nominations big enough to well and truly point out how stupid and useless the Logies actually are.
2318: Centrelink mockery at the Logies. Pot, meet kettle.
2320: Outstanding Drama Series Or Variant Thereof.
2322: Whichever Underbelly series was on last year wins. Yawn.
2324: Kerry Packer and Ita Buttrose, or their miniseries equivalents, presenting Outstanding Light Entertainment.
2326: Spicks & Specks finally winning its first Logie. (This now means all six Gold Logie nominees have been involved in award wins tonight.)
2328: "'I carried those slackers.' [...] Nope, this is the right speech. 'This was truly a team effort.'" Yep, we're in the Australian TV industry.
2329: Thanking Rockwiz? Classy.
2333: Yeah, we're not getting the last three awards of the night done in 40 seconds. Especially when we're still in the middle of a commercial. I better be getting paid overtime for this.
2333: Richard Roxburgh and Lisa McCune, doing Most Outstanding Female Actor.
2334: The clips showing these nominees' talents are really going to help us finish this show on time.
2236: Okay, who actually watched this Sisters Of War show?
2236: Winner: Claire Van Der Boom, for said Sisters of War. And she's the first person tonight to send a proxy to get the award for her. I would also do that, and not necessarily because I'm living it up in Argentina.
2238: Deborah Mailman and Stephen Curry, doing Most Outstanding Male Actress.
2238: I agree with Deborah. Stephen is a wanker.
2341: From an actor playing a former Prime Minister to an actor in a dog costume in the same category. Yep, it's the Logies.
2342: Damn, Richard Roxburgh is wonderfully hilarious.
2343: Next: The moment we've all been waiting for. The end.
2346: Great, Nine's pushed their schedule back to account for the overrun... and it's still going to run over THAT schedule.
2347: Presenting the Gold Logie: Shane Bourne. Couldn't they find someone with suitable credibility?
2348: WHAT THE FUCK. (I choose to take my computer randomly highlighting the word "wanker" above as an omen.)
2350: SHUT UP, KARL.
2351: Heh, Yumi Stynes in the background couldn't look more disappointed in the Australian public. I agree with her.
2352: Again: SHUT UP, KARL.
2353: It can't be said enough: SHUT UP, KARL.
2354: Next year: Kochie vows revenge.
2355: Thank fuck that's over. Also: SHUT UP, KARL.
2357: It's depressing to realise that people I started uni with just over three years ago are now working on the Logies. (Though I personally like the guy in question, you may add your own snarky comment about having the equivalent of a work-experience kid working on the biggest event in Australian television.)
1919: Tonight better be good. I'm missing two awesome Japanese game shows for this.
1930: Hurry up, I want this to be over already.
1930: Fuck, there's still the freaking red carpet "special".
1931: I swear to God, I have no idea who most of the people in this lame credits montage are. And the ones I do know, I can't stand.
1931: Speaking of, here's Jules Lund!
1932: And Livinia Nixon and Shelley Craft, wearing the finest snotty Kleenex money can buy!
1932: Oh, the Myer pimping's starting early this time.
1933: 40 minutes, James Mathison? And even then, I'll still have to sit through Maroon 5 and Katy Perry? Fuck that shit.
1934: Natalie Gruzlewski, jaundiced lobster.
1934: Matt Preston. Which reminds me, I'm also missing Masterchef for this. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, TELEVISION.
1935: Talking to Maroon 5. I briefly switch over to watch Ninja Warrior for a little while.
1936: Pimping the Gold Logie nominees. Oy.
1937: Of COURSE they make a point of interviewing Karl Stefanovic first, while the lines are still open and everybody remembers the numbers.
1937: Wow, Jules has a fugly microphone.
1938: Oooh, Bindi Irwin in a montage. Wonder if the Glory Boys have gotten to her/it yet.
1938: Livinia, interviewing the two female trainers from The Biggest Loser, thinks this is the best season ever.
1939: Tiffiny Hall looks like the drag queen version of Ajay Rochester. Which is to say, she looks like Ajay Rochester. Michelle, on the other hand, looks like a giant bowtie.
1940: Firass Durani again. How is he nominated this year when he was also nominated for the same season of Underbelly last year?
1941: Shaun Micallef! Woo!
1942: Shane Bourne. Eh. Seems odd to interview the host right after someone who outshines him in almost every way.
1943: MYER!
1944: Carrie Bickmore's designer? Right colour, wrong person. And wrong outfit.
1944: No, I'm sorry, Rebecca Twigley/Judd/whatever has no reason to even be here, let alone be Best Dressed. Fuck off.
1948: Yeah, I'd like to throttle Stephen Curry too, Micallef.
1948: CHRISSIE! And of COURSE they have to conveniently make it look unprofessional by having a giant boom mic in the background.
1949: Imeediately after leaving the interview with Jules, Chrissie was heard demanding mouthwash.
1950: Nice to see Nine's graphics department is able to correctly spell Kerri-Anne's surname.
1950: Shut up, Scott Cam.
1951: The Block's coming to 7pm weeknights? Gee, there's a shocker. #winning?
1951: Roy and HG! Hello boys!
1951: The awards might be "fast approaching", Shelley, but they're still not fast enough.
1952: Interesting they're not pimping Karl outright, but the voting graphic with him on it is displayed for far longer than the other one.
1953: Hamish and Andy. Why are they famous, again?
1953: Oh, they've got a new show on Nine. Whatever.
1954: Interesting choice, interviewing a Best New Talent nominee while pointing out they've been to the Logies before.
1955: Eddie Perfect has the most apt name ever.
1955: He's 87 years old? Now I feel like a pervert. Even more than usual, I mean.
1956: Asher Keddie, who appears to be wearing the full-body equivalent of a Wonderbra.
1957: MYER! Time for more Ninja Warrior.
1957: Oh, it's finished. Damn.
1958: Wow, Gigi Edgley has not aged well since Farscape.
1958: No, seriously, Katy Perry. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MONSTROSITY? It makes a Gaga gaffe look positively normal!
2000: I started the show with four bags of these alcoholic Easter eggs, and now there are just three eggs left. Note to self: Next year, mix own vodka.
2001: Hey, look, it's naked fat people! Yeah, I'll be back after checking out what game they're playing on Unbeatable Banzuke tonight.
2005: Andre Rieu? Isn't Katy Perry enough torture?
2006: Remove the support struts from your rack, Charlotte Dawson.
2007: As Molly walks past, I realise I'm eternally grateful Ruby Rose isn't doing the red carpet tonight.
2007: Katy Perry, playing the role of mid-1980's leprechaun.
2008: "We're gonna liven this *bleep* up." Why am I not surprised she has no class?
2009: Who is Sarah Snook?
2010: Go, Rebecca Gibney, not being drawn into the anti-Chrissie smear campaign!
2015: Jules Lund is only jealous because he doesn't have anyone with which to "get a room".
2016: 6 minutes and 30 seconds to the actual show. I'm not sure I'm going to make it sober.
2017: Jamie Durie also pimping his new show and dancing suggestively. WHERE IS GRANT BOWLER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
2018: Melissa Bergland doesn't look bad. She's clearly in the wrong place.
2019: James, stop acting like it's a secret Manu's doing Dancing With The Stars.
2020: Interesting there's no men in these Best Dressed voting montages.
2021: No, Sonja Kruger, the dress slit's supposed to go on the side of the dress.
2021: MYER!
2021: I know it's hard to tell the difference, but of the two people on the screen needing subtitles, I don't think Rebecca Whatever is the one with facial hair.
2022: Of course I switch over to Banzuke again just in time to see Sam Pang in lederhosen. He'd probably win Best Dressed, with the standard of tonight's efforts.
2023: About fucking time.
2023: Opening with Katy Perry? Aaaaand back to Banzuke.
2026: All the dancing spotlights are there solely to distract from her clear miming, right? If only they were working.
2028: Fifteen minutes late and we haven't even really begun yet. We might as well have had Today Tonight as a lead-in.
2028: No, Shane, Katy Perry was not "good", or "spectacular".
2028: Eeeeee, John Foreman!
2029: This is the 53rd Logies. If they were to do one of those Most Wanted things where every Logies night is represented by a playing card, this is the one that gets left off. Even the one Gretel hosted is the Six of Clubs.
2030: More chefs in the audience than the kitchen. Heh.
2030: About time someone pointed out the irony of The Biggest Loser and Masterchef being on the same network. Bonus points for doing it on the only time this year they'll both air on the same night.
2031: Yes, because Shane Bourne frequently visits clothing stores for the morbidly obese.
2031: Mocking Kochie will never fail to make me laugh.
2033: Shane's also presenting the night's first award. Yay!
2034: What do elephants have to do with anything?
2034: Tahnee Atkinson's doing the award handing-out again this year, looking like one of those fabric doll things you put over loose toilet rolls. Not surprised.
2034: Most Popular New Male Talent. I don't remeber voting for any of these people.
2036: Firass Durani. Didn't he win this last year?
2037: Oh, look. Colonel Sanders believes in adoption.
2038: Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! This bandstand wa'n't doublebolted!
2039: Faustina Agolley and Andre Rieu? Odd match.
2039: Shut up, Andre.
2039: Most Popular New Female Talent. Ignoring the fact that she's not actually a New Talent at all, Chrissie Swan better win this in the absence of Lily Serna. Also, SBS needs to learn how to run a vote-rigging campaign.
2040: CHRISSIE!!!!!!!!
2041: "I swear, Andre, if I was 30 years older..." HA!
2042: The MYER! Minutes are back, complete with that haberdasher of asshattery Richard Wilkins. Great. (One of last year's "minutes" went for six, let's see how bad we do this year.)
2044: Did Natalie just deliberately fuck up Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation's name?
2044: Two minutes.
2045: Commercials. Someone kill me now.
2048: Actress Catherine McClements, presenting Most Popular Presenter. Ironic.
2049: Hee, she mispronounced "Stefanovic". I love her.
2050: Really, you picked Karl? Fuck you, Australia.
2051: SHUT UP, KARL.
2051: NO, REALLY.
2052: DON'T MAKE ME DUST OFF THE GRIM REAPER COSTUME.
2053: Shane Jacobsen and Megan Gale, presenting... little more than plugs for their own commercial ventures. ($20 says MYER! drops their sponsorship for next year's Logies, or bans Megan from presenting.) Also, Most Popular Drama.
2054: Home & Away and Neighbours are two nominees? Must have been a bad year.
2055: Six nominees? Huh.
2055: MYER!
2055: Rafters.
2055: Surprised Erik didn't steal an old speech like he was planning to do after Shaun Micallef did it last year.
2057: Awww, class at the Logies. Who'd'a thunk it?
2058: Of course Nine pimps Karl's win the first chance they get. Wankers.
2101: Must we revive the lame "Let's meet the Gold Logie nominees!" schtick?
2103: "I'm just going to have a couple of drinks!" "WARNING: EVERYONE PRESS RECORD!" Love. Him.
2104: I did not need to picture Shane Bourne in a G-string. Or a thong.
2104: Chrissie Swan, using the Logie for its only logical purpose: As a blunt object to assault people. Damn it, she better win the Gold.
2106: Adam Hills, presenting a "spontaneous" round of applause for Shane. Not fooling me.
2108: I also never thought I'd hear someone say the words "Thank God for Hey Hey It's Saturday."
2108: Most Popular Lifestyle Program: Better Homes & Gardens. Once again, we've narrowly avoided Dr. Harry stabbing someone with his cane.
2109: Johanna Griggs, mocking Karl. Damn it, now I have to pretend to forgive her for the over-enunciated "BAY-JING in CHI-NUH" speeches during the Olympics.
2111: "Andre Rieu: Arnold Schwarzenegger in drag. Just puttin' it out there." Adam needs to host next year.
2111: Most Popular Factual Program. Odds a show about Bondi will win: 40%
2112: Make that 100%. Damn it, why can't people get over Bondi Rescue already?
2112: Yeah, I'm getting the Reaper costume out after all. And here I thought I wouldn't need it between the red carpet arrivals and whichever version of The Footy Show is due to win the sports coverage Logie this year.
2114: They could have saved money by bringing up a couple of bogans from Dandenong to accept the award.
2114: Craig Reucassel and Chris Taylor, mocking Karl, the Queen, and Twitter.
2116: Most Popular Reality Show. Vote counting verified by Sarah Murdoch.
2117: Yeah, Craig, that would have been embarassing if you'd named the wrong winner. (Still, Australia's Next Top Model wasn't nominated, so make of that what you will.)
2118: Why is George wearing jeans to the Logies?
2119: Next: Hamish and Andy. What else is on right now?
2120: Two And A Half Men and Bones repeats. Odd they're not even trying, given the Logies are as popular as a syphilitic Hitler clone.
2122: "Please welcome 2011 Logie nominee Hamish Blake... and his friend." Ouch.
2123: Why is everyone trying to tell us Shane is the greatest thing to happen to the Logies since Wendy Harmer was fired as host?
2125: Noeline Brown can make even Hamish and Andy mildly entertaining.
2125: "All hail the Nine Network." Heh.
2126: Was Dance Academy even a show?
2127: Of course there's some showboaty gimmick to get Katy Perry on stage again.
2128: "I can barely forming sentences." Well, clearly.
2129: Nice to see someone told her the names of a few Australian shows. Shame Joan Rivers still seemed more intelligent.
2130: Most Popular Light Entertainment. Someone actually voted for Hey Hey? And Sunrise?
2131: The Circle! Happy dance! This bodes well for stopping the Gold Logie's reputation to be sullied by association with Karl.
2132: I realise the Gold Logie has to actually have a good reputation to avoid being sullied. It's called irony, people.
2133: I'm willing to bet Yumi's "Choose JOY!" comment was a direct result of the same wonderful people who compared The Circle to an STI last year. (They're on Twitter, follow @jamesfindlay and @nathvalvo. Also follow me @NewsAtEleven.) (What, it's not like there's no shameless product placement on this awards show. MYER!)
2134: Is it too late to put Denise Drysdale in the Hall Of Fame?
2134: MYE... Wait, RED ROOSTER! Did they drop their sponsorship already?
2136: Bored now. Time for bad Glee slashfic.
2137: Three minutes.
2141: I leave Blaine and Karofsky for a few minutes to learn that Shane is busy pretending to care about the stars of Packed To The Rafters.
2143: Roy and HG, presenting the two sports categories. Naturally.
2145: Most Outstanding Sports Show.
2145: Of course they mock the NRL Footy Show for always winning, then wind up giving it to the AFL version.
2146: Someone throw the Big Balls at James Brayshaw.
2147: Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Same events as every Commonwealth Games year: Commonwealth Games, Ashes, State of Origin, Melbourne Cup, AFL Grand Final. The other usual nominee, Bathurst, misses out. Oh, well.
2149: Ashes. Seriously, do we have any TV presenters in this country who didn't come in through a backdoor any more?
2152: First South African to accept a Logie, I believe.
2153: And both sports winners also get congratulatory ads.
2157: Shane introducing the In Memoriam bit. Let's see who gets forgotten this year.
2158: Yes, that's right, Tripod and Eddie Perfect are a classy choice for this.
2200: Couldn't they have found a better pic for Adriana Xenides? I don't remember her ever being a Survivor contestant.
2201: Number of people I recognised: 6. Hmm, higher than usual. (Alternatively, it means I'm closer to dying.)
2206: Karl's actually presenting as well? Fuck this shit.
2207: Outstanding News Coverage. Wow, this was a bad year for coverage, if Kochie's work with the NZ mine disaster is nominated.
2208: And the winner.
2211: Outstanding Current Affairs Coverage. How current is the Hey Dad story, anyway? Surely not recent enough to qualify. (But then again, half the cast was nominated for Best New Talent this year.)
2213: I wasn't actually paying attention. Who won?
2214: Jana Wendt, doing the Hall Of Fame. Don't they usually give these people their own segment.
2215: Laurie Oakes. Suck it, that guy from Channel Seven whose name I don't care to remember!
2217: Howard, Abbott, Rudd, Gillard, and Beazley all congratulating him? Don't they have anything better to pretend to do?
2218: At least Kerry O'Brien's wearing clothes this time.
2220: Why is Julie from Masterchef sitting next to the sports guy from Today?
2221: Journalism is a lot like crack cocaine. That's why so many of my tweets could easily be hashtagged #journalust.
2224: It appears Laurie Oakes has adapted his "TV makes journalism more interesting" approach to his autobiography.
2225: Next: Maroon 5.
2226: Okay, the Laurie Oakes congratulatory ad isn't nearly as annoying and presumptuous as the rest.
2229: Fuck off, Richard Wilkins.
2231: And Maroon 5.
2233: MYER!
2235: Best Dressed celebrity isn't a TV star. Wish I was surprised.
2236: Just short of three minutes.
2239: Shane Bourne, still pretending his career hasn't gone down the drain after hosting this dreck.
2239: Awww, that was a mouth organ joke worthy of Craig Ferguson.
2241: No, we don't need a blues riff right now. Or this entire segment.
2242: Jamie Durie and Sarah Murdoch. Most Outstanding Factual Program.
2243: Wow, Jamie's tiny. At least, the parts we can see while he's fully clothed.
2244: I watched precisely none of these nominees.
2245: The Trishna and Krishna doco won. Or something.
2247: Having the TV Week logo underneath the Logie to be shown when people lift it up in celebration is completely shameless and offensive. And kind of clever.
2248: Chris Lilley, presenting the Graham Kennedy Award (aka Most Outstanding New Talent).
2249: Firass Durani again. Turns out eight of the eleven secret herbs and spices can be found in his hair gel.
2253: This Mother's Day, nothing says "I love you, modern women" like a sewing machine. Fuck you, Janome.
2254: Shaun Micallef is indeed a National Treasure, announcer guy.
2255: Heh, I love when people mock the categories they're presenting.
2256: Hugh Sheridan is the Most Popular Male Actress. Thank God Shaun qualified this by pointing out it wasn't for the best actor. Because really? Not really.
2258: "I think I speak for everyone in the entertainment industry when I say thank God we no longer live in the age of Shakespeare." I want that on a shirt.
2259: Asher Keddie is the Most Popular Female Actor.
2300: Why ith the thtill doing the Ita Buttrothe lithp?
2302: MYE... JENNY CRAIG! And RED ROOSTER! on the same night? Odd.
2303: SHUT UP, EVERYBODY ON MY TV SCREEN.
2305: Three minutes.
2307: I have no idea who this Jessie J person is supposed to be. Or why she looks like a bad Cher impersonator. (Channel surfing during the commercial breaks has shown me that Josh Groban is currently performing on ABC2, so *makes hand-weighing motion*. At least it's not Andre Rieu.)
2309: So much for the skills Luke Jacobz got on Dancing With The Stars.
2310: I suspect if it wasn't about the money, this woman (?) would not be performing right now.
2311: MYE... RED ROOSTER! Karl and Richard Wilkins on TV at the same time? Groban wins... barely.
2312: Damn, he's done already.
2312: Don't worry, Karl, I won't be watching Today tomorrow.
2313: Two minutes. Huh.
2316: Rachel Griffiths, with a list of award nominations big enough to well and truly point out how stupid and useless the Logies actually are.
2318: Centrelink mockery at the Logies. Pot, meet kettle.
2320: Outstanding Drama Series Or Variant Thereof.
2322: Whichever Underbelly series was on last year wins. Yawn.
2324: Kerry Packer and Ita Buttrose, or their miniseries equivalents, presenting Outstanding Light Entertainment.
2326: Spicks & Specks finally winning its first Logie. (This now means all six Gold Logie nominees have been involved in award wins tonight.)
2328: "'I carried those slackers.' [...] Nope, this is the right speech. 'This was truly a team effort.'" Yep, we're in the Australian TV industry.
2329: Thanking Rockwiz? Classy.
2333: Yeah, we're not getting the last three awards of the night done in 40 seconds. Especially when we're still in the middle of a commercial. I better be getting paid overtime for this.
2333: Richard Roxburgh and Lisa McCune, doing Most Outstanding Female Actor.
2334: The clips showing these nominees' talents are really going to help us finish this show on time.
2236: Okay, who actually watched this Sisters Of War show?
2236: Winner: Claire Van Der Boom, for said Sisters of War. And she's the first person tonight to send a proxy to get the award for her. I would also do that, and not necessarily because I'm living it up in Argentina.
2238: Deborah Mailman and Stephen Curry, doing Most Outstanding Male Actress.
2238: I agree with Deborah. Stephen is a wanker.
2341: From an actor playing a former Prime Minister to an actor in a dog costume in the same category. Yep, it's the Logies.
2342: Damn, Richard Roxburgh is wonderfully hilarious.
2343: Next: The moment we've all been waiting for. The end.
2346: Great, Nine's pushed their schedule back to account for the overrun... and it's still going to run over THAT schedule.
2347: Presenting the Gold Logie: Shane Bourne. Couldn't they find someone with suitable credibility?
2348: WHAT THE FUCK. (I choose to take my computer randomly highlighting the word "wanker" above as an omen.)
2350: SHUT UP, KARL.
2351: Heh, Yumi Stynes in the background couldn't look more disappointed in the Australian public. I agree with her.
2352: Again: SHUT UP, KARL.
2353: It can't be said enough: SHUT UP, KARL.
2354: Next year: Kochie vows revenge.
2355: Thank fuck that's over. Also: SHUT UP, KARL.
2357: It's depressing to realise that people I started uni with just over three years ago are now working on the Logies. (Though I personally like the guy in question, you may add your own snarky comment about having the equivalent of a work-experience kid working on the biggest event in Australian television.)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Logies Liveblog 2010
6:36pm. Oh, look. The Logies are on tonight. Time to dust off the old recapping skills. Assuming I still have any left after all these months with no writing. Logies livecap, here we come!
7:24pm. Karl and Lisa are hosting the red carpet arrivals? Good. As long as it isn’t Richard fucking Wilkins.
7:29pm. Here we go.
7:30pm. How the fuck is Ruby Rose famous, and why do we care what she’s wearing? (Actually, that goes for much of the Australian television industry.)
7:30pm. MYER!
7:31pm. Lisa has a dress with pockets. Clever.
7:31pm. Ew. Jules Lund.
7:32pm. Oh, Jules. Even a Wikipedia hacker wouldn’t be stupid enough to lie about someone playing a ukulele-strumming lesbian.
7:32pm. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Why would you go with the Bea Arthur hairdo?
7:33pm. Firass Durani was once a Power Ranger? Awesome. But I’d still feel oddly weird tracking down some of his episodes just to see him in lycra. Especially when I can probably just hold out a few weeks and see him full frontal on Underbelly.
7:33pm. Gabriella Cilmi really needs to be told that she can't recycle her Year 11 Formal dress for an occasion like this.
7:34pm. Were it not for those freaking shoulder pads, Kerri-Anne would have almost made up for one of her several past wardrobe disasters.
7:36pm. Matt Preston’s second mouth will be nominated for Best New Talent next year.
7:36pm. From Australia’s Next Top Model winner to Logies trophy girl? Ouch.
7:37pm. Danni Minogue’s boyfriend may be the only person alive with a speaking voice more unattractive than Richard Reid’s.
7:37pm. Sigrid Thornton. Blecch. Hideous.
7:38pm. MYER!
7:39pm. Love how they couldn’t even be bothered spelling Kerri-Anne’s surname on the Best Dressed graphic.
7:39pm. Isn’t it cliché for Rhonda Burchmore to wear red to an awards night by now?
7:39pm. Bonnie Lythgoe has got to stop Bedazzling potato sacks.
7:43pm. MONKEY! (...No, wait, that’s just Johnny Galecki.)
7:44pm. Did Johnny just respond to Karl telling him “in bed early” with “you too”? LOVE!
7:45pm. It takes a lot to make background people the most attractive on the screen, but Ruby and Molly Meldrum have managed it.
7:46pm. Jules looks ridiculously tall compared to Poh. Also, Poh? Spaghetti straps Do. Not. Work.
7:47pm. Kerri-Anne and Ruby had a thing in the loos last year? It’s official, Ruby is the new Molly.
7:48pm. Jules, shut up. Hamish and Andy are even less deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama was.
7:49pm. Note to Channel Nine: When talking about how all the stars are swarming the red carpet, it might not be a good idea to have the near-empty red carpet in the background.
7:50pm. Oh, Myf. You’re trying to live down last year’s monstrosity, and you go with POLKA DOTS?!
7:50pm. Livinia never fails to look beautiful.
7:51pm. Shaun Micallef! If only there was a special episode of Your Gen tonight, they could have used red carpet eyesores for a round of iChronoloco!, and called it iChronologie!.
7:52pm. Scott Cam? Not interested. And not interesting, which is helpful.
7:52pm. Peter Helliar’s face matches the carpet.
7:54pm. MYER!
7:54pm. Nice to finally see Neighbours stars treat the Logies with some dignity. We’ve come a long way since Harold rapping.
7:59pm. Andrew Hansen and Julian Morrow, with Karl? This should be interesting.
8:00pm. Not so much.
8:01pm. Jules Lund is nominated? Ew.
8:01pm. MYER!
8:02pm. Tasma Walton has given the words “getting your trashbag on” new meaning.
8:03pm. Shut up, Rove.
8:03pm. Jules is with Kat Stewart and Justine Clarke. One is an overrated untalented bore, but dressed well, the other is an underrated overtalented actress, but dressed like a whore. And Kat Stewart is also there.
8:04pm. k.d. lang is singing Hallelujah again?! Does she even have any other songs? It’s a big step up from Susan Boyle, but not enough, to be honest.
8:05pm. She thought about buying Pauline Hanson’s house? She’s definitely not Aussie. (And would Pauline have even considered it? Though she isn’t Asian, k.d. probably ticks off about thirty of Pauline’s other Bad People criteria.)
8:09pm. MYER!
8:10pm. Who is Yumi Stynes? Looks good, though.
8:10pm. Zed oh emm gee, Jane Hall. Amazing.
8:10pm. Paul McDermott really needs a team of writers in order to be entertaining.
8:11pm. Jessica Marais appears to have had her dress tattooed on.
8:12pm. Wil Anderson cracks me up, even when he’s not being too funny. (Note to self: Next year, plagiarise from his Twitter feed.)
8:13pm. MYER!
8:13pm. For someone who’s only famous because of one of these red carpet events, Rebecca Twigley really needs to learn what she’s doing.
8:15pm. Hooray! The real show!
8:16pm. Nice to see Gabriella Cilmi is mourning Big Brother’s first year of not being nominated in almost a decade by using a rejected Diary Room chair in her performance.
8:17pm. Woo! Hot men! Aside from that, though, this whole performance is torture.
8:18pm. Fireworks! If only one of them would accidentally fly in the general direction of Kochie…
8:19pm. Credits.
8:20pm. Yay, Bert! But how the fuck was Mick Molloy let through security?
8:21pm. It might be his nineteenth time, but Bert Newton really needs to do this more often.
8:21pm. Hee, Bert thinks we’re lucky he’s not hosting from heaven. Compared to last year’s heaven sketch, this really is heaven. Heaven!
8:23pm. Is this the first time Channel 31’s been mentioned in the Logies monologue? About time.
8:24pm. Bert really doesn’t care about Tahnee Atkinson. HA!
8:25pm. “Sam Newman is not the casting director of Neighbours”. Home And Away is another matter, of course.
8:26pm. Most Popular Presenter. Blond women and stand-up comedians. I’ve got this sewn up, after my sex change and hairdresser’s appointment!
8:27pm. Congratulations, Shaun Micallef! Aaaand we’re taking the piss out of victory speeches already. Awesome.
8:29pm. Claudia Karvan and Samuel Johnson, presenting The Secret Life Of Australia’s Most Popular Drama Series.
8:30pm. Shut up, Sam. Even Claudia (who looks like Kristina Keneally tonight, because politicians are just great at being fashionable, and if you disagree, Steve Fielding will cut you) can’t believe him.
8:32pm. Congratulations, Packed To The Rafters! And quit bitching about not being smart enough to download your own speech, Erik.
8:33pm. How is Erik’s tie on such an angle? Was he trying to pee from his nipples?
8:34pm. MYER!
8:35pm. To paraphrase from Brian McFadden (I know), why don’t you just fuck off back to New Zealand, Richard Wilkins?
8:40pm. Kat Stewart and Asher Keddie, presenting Most Popular Actor, and claiming the Oh, How Embarrassing! Award For Identical Dresses while they’re at it.
8:41pm. All Channel Seven guys? Hardly seems fair, but whatever. Congratulations, Hugh Sheridan! If he’s not gay and fucking a jockey to get his suit looking that silky, I’ll be shocked. And if he’s just broken up with the jockey, he can use the Logie to pleasure himself.
8:42pm. Natalie Bassingthwaite, presenting Most Popular Factual Program, also known as Most Popular Repetitive Documentary.
8:43pm. Congratulations, Bondi Rescue! Ever wanted to know what the five comedians nominated for the Gold Logie would look like with severe facial injuries? Just look at these guys.
8:45pm. She’s also doing Most Popular Lifestyle Program, also known as Most Popular Non-Repetitive Documentary. Even she’s surprised Top Gear Australia is nominated. Heh.
8:47pm. Congratulations, Better Homes And Gardens! But since I still haven’t forgiven Johanna Griggs for all those BAY! JING! In CHI! NUH! Comments during the Olympics, I’m not going to pay attention.
8:48pm. I’m nominating Dr. Harry for Best Dressed.
8:53pm. Can’t we get away from Ruby? She and Luke Jacobz (hot and hilarious, still, after all these years) are doing Most Popular Reality Show.
8:54pm. Ruby, the show was watched by FOUR MILLION PEOPLE. It’s not exactly a situation where you can draw out the suspense without sounding like a massive tool. But knowing this would require some sort of self-awareness, so here we are.
8:54pm. Congratulations, Masterchef Australia! Apparently, Matt Preston ate everybody else who was even remotely involved with the show. Except for Julie.
8:56pm. Kristian Schmidt and Damian Walshe-Howling. Most Popular “Female Actor”, despite the graphics using “Actress”.
8:57pm. Congratulations, Rebecca Gibney!
8:58pm. I did not need to know about her menstrual cycle.
8:59pm. After the break: k.d. lang.
9:04pm. Montreal hosted a games of some kind recently? The Quebec separatists will be pleased to learn about this.
9:05pm. When she sings, k.d. lang always looks so drunk she’s about to collapse.
9:07pm. It’s a good thing “our love is not a victory march”, because watching her perform this song AGAIN is beginning to feel a bit like a death march.
9:10pm. No. No standing ovation.
9:11pm. Apparently, Eddie was too busy bending over backwards trying to apologise to Johnny Weir to say “Vancouver” every six seconds. Oh well.
9:12pm. Piano Guy could have dressed up for the occasion.
9:12pm. Bert, I don’t think she’s interested in marrying Piano Guy.
9:13pm. “Here’s Moira”. And with that, this year’s Logies immediately pwns the hell out of last year’s, although I would like some actual sketches.
9:13pm. Why does my computer recognise “pwns” as a word?
9:13pm. MYER!
9:16pm. This is one hell of a long “Myer Minute”.
9:20pm. “There’s only one footy show”, commercials? The four-minute Myer Minute would beg to differ.
9:21pm. Shane Bourne, presenting Most Outstanding Factual Program.
9:21pm. Just get on with it, Shane.
9:22pm. Oh, please. No way Last Chance Saloon was watched by enough people for a round of applause that big. Law And Disorder, too.
9:23pm. Congratulations, Law And Disorder! Typical boring SBS acceptance speeches. This is what happens when they appear on commercial television.
9:25pm. Shaun Micallef again, presenting Most Outstanding Children’s Program.
9:26pm. Congratulations, My Place! I believe it’s ABC3’s first ever Logie, right? Cool. (Next year, Larry Hagman’s work on I Dream Of Jeannie will win him Best New Male Talent for GO!)
9:28pm. Wilfred and the Commando, presenting Most Popular Sports Program. Naturally.
9:29pm. Apparently, the Commando wishes he was licking balls. Well then.
9:30pm. Congratulations, NRL Footy Show! Of course, Channel Nine will revoke their Logies in a few years because the show’s been going over-budget, but whatever.
9:31pm. I would like to know what the hell Wendell Sailor (that’s him, right?) did to the Commando to get a laugh that big.
9:33pm. After the break: John Mayer.
9:36pm. John Mayer’s busy Twittering, so here’s Don Lane’s son! Eat it!
9:39pm. Maria Venuti, looking like a bad drag queen. Some things never change.
9:40pm. Other people died in the last year?
9:41pm. I always feel bad for the people who don’t get much applause. Then I remember they’re not currently in the position to care, and all is well in the world.
9:43pm. This is really the worst possible cover of Time After Time in creation, unless there’s a Ricki-Lee Coulter performance floating around somewhere. And I’m not sure I want to look.
9:48pm. Adam Hills. Most Outstanding New Talent, Graham Kennedy Variation.
9:49pm. That poor microphone operator, just wanted to get his job done in peace, and now he’s going to wind up on Youtube.
9:50pm. It’s the only time a fat British guy, a little kid, and someone playing a prostitute will ever be able to compete against each other without somebody getting arrested.
9:50pm. Congratulations, Matt Preston!
9:52pm. Vince Colosimo and “the host of Kerri-Anne”, presenting Most Popular Light Entertainment.
9:54pm. The world needs more lecherous Italian stereotypes on television.
9:54pm. Deal Or No Deal counts as entertainment? And Sunrise? Last I heard, they’re both considered alternatives to waterboarding in Iraq now.
9:55pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! The thank you speech in just 27 seconds.
9:56pm. After the break: John Mayer. No, really. For real this time!
10:00pm. Richard Wilkins? Fuck that shit. I’m getting a snack.
10:06pm. MYER!
10:07pm. This toasted sandwich is much hotter than many of the people in that room. And about ninety-nine per cent less cheesy.
10:11pm. Jennifer Byrne, presenting Most Oustanding News Coverage.
10:12pm. Congratulations, Victorian bushfires! You just helped Seven News win a Logie! (Brian Naylor could not be reached for comment.)
10:14pm. Dear Jennifer Keyte: That dress makes you look anorexic.
10:16pm. You know how Bert was going on about television Moments about an hour ago, when k.d. land was performing? Norm Beaman accepting this award is one of those Moments.
10:17pm. Jennifer Byrne, also presenting Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report.
10:18pm. Seems appropriate that Today Tonight wasn’t nominated.
10:19pm. Congratulations, Four Corners!
10:21pm. Hee, Channel Nine mockery! Snarking on underperformance never stops being old.
10:22pm. Hall of Fame. I feel so horrible for mentioning Brian Naylor now. Oops.
10:23pm. I swear, Bert Newton is the only person who ever uses the word “compere” any more.
10:25pm. Mal Walden, Peter Mitchell, and Peter Hitchener, all together? I feel like the world is going to implode on itself unless I start channel surfing. I wonder what Dutch porno SBS has on tonight.
10:27pm. Awww, I wish I was riding on a rainbow.
10:29pm. You know, I’m trying to think who the other posthumous inductee was, and I just can’t work it out. The closest I’m coming is Ruth Cracknell, but I’m pretty sure she was still alive for hers. Anyone? (EDIT: Maurie! Thanks, Wikipedia!)
10:34pm. A skit scored to Spandau Ballet? That was unexpected. Aside from the noticeable absence of horrendously uncomfortable “Let’s Get To Know The Nominees!” interviews throughout the night.
10:35pm. Michael Slater and Glenn McGrath? No. No. None of this. None. Of. This.
10:36pm. Most Outstanding Sports Coverage.
10:37pm. Congratulations, non-MYER! product placement! And also Channel Seven’s Bathurst coverage, apparently. Not like it matters.
10:39pm. Molly Meldrum and John Mayer. Fuck. I thought I missed out on all the annoying Johnny Depp wannabes and sexually transmitted presenters.
10:39pm. Shut up, Molly, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Vagina Division (Presumably).
10:41pm. No, really, Molly. Shut up. Nobody else cares about the Storm, and we certainly don’t need you randomly interrupting an awards night to bitch some more.
10:42pm. Congratulations (eventually), Luke Mitchell!
10:43pm. Shut up, John, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Penis Division (Presumably).
10:44pm. How the FUCK did Carrie Bickmore win this award when (1) she’s not a new talent, and (2) her show isn’t popular? I swear, if Nine repeated Australian Survivor after Knob died last year, he’d probably have been nominated.
10:46pm. “Good evening, I’m Carrie Bickmore, and the rash is clearing up nicely.” Unfortunately, the virus is still polluting our television screens.
10:50pm. Rogue Traders. Yawn. Was John Farnham busy doing another comeback concert or something?
10:52pm. I wonder what Natalie Bassingthwaite’s thinking at the moment.
10:54pm. MYER!
10:54pm. Congratulations, Livinia Nixon! You’re the Least Hideously Dressed Woman!
10:55pm. And congratulations, Random Home Viewer!
10:56pm. “You’re a strange woman with weird eyesight!” Go, Matt Preston!
10:57pm. State of Origin in 3D? Pass. State of Origin in X-Ray? I’d give that a try.
11:01pm. Charlotte Dawson and Dieter Brummer, whoever he is, are presenting Most Outstanding Comedy.
11:02pm. Wow, it was a good year for Aussie comedy for once. (We’ll just ignore any mention of the words “Hey, Dad” for now, shall we? Good.)
11:03pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! Again!
11:04pm. Roseanne Barr is doing Shaun Micallef’s role in the American version? Trust them to fuck it up.
11:05pm. Yvonne Strahovski and Johnny Galecki, here as our annual reminder that as good as Australian television has been over the past year, American television is just that little bit better.
11:07pm. What was the category? I was distracted by Johnny’s bad hairdo.
11:09pm. Most Outstanding Drama, Miniseries, Or Telemovie, riiiiiight.
11:09pm. Congratuations, East West 101! It’s official, SBS has now won more Logies tonight than Channel Nine. Go, competent broadcasting! And, of course, since Channel Nine’s entire programming schedule for this year seems to be Survivor, Top Gear “special episodes”, and repeats of Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, that doesn’t look like it’s going to change again next year.
11:15pm. Sigrid Thornton and John Waters are presenting the Most Outstanding Actor and Most Outstanding Actress. Not in that order, of course, because alphabetical order sucks and should be avoided at all cost.
11:18pm. John Waters’ suit designer has apparently taken his surname literally. I don’t think I’ve ever been seasick looking at a tuxedo before. Dresses? Sure. Southern Cross train station? Absolutely. But a tux? No.
11:18pm. Congratulations, Claudia Karvan!
11:19pm. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Feels good, don’t it, Claudia?
11:22pm. Congratulations, Don Hany! And Nine can’t even win a Logie when its for someone from another channel now. Ouch.
11:25pm. You know, we’re almost at the end now, and nobody’s been given the You’re Taking Too Long, Get The Fuck Off The Stage music tonight. First awards show ever!
11:28pm. Bert’s presenting the Gold Logie, too. “This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The end of the show”, indeed.
11:29pm. Ooooh, I hope it’s a tie.
11:30pm. Congratulations, Ray Meagher! That was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. Did everyone vote for him out of sympathy after Harold lost last year?
11:31pm. Ray Meagher using a horse racing slang term reminds me that he sounds exactly like a racecaller.
11:35pm. See, Molly? That’s how you make a salary cap joke.
11:37pm. Oooh, glitter! I'm sure there's a punchline here that doesn't involve Bob Downe, but I'm going to need some booze to get at it.
11:39pm. Did Andrew O’Keefe really eat an ornamental flower? Tool.
11:41pm. It seems fitting that the last shot of the show is of Ray Meagher checking his watch. (And only eleven minutes over!)
Next year: Bindi Irwin pashes Justin Bieber. Thousands of tweenage girls attempt suicide with plastic scissors, thousands of tweenage boys breathe a sigh of relief.
7:24pm. Karl and Lisa are hosting the red carpet arrivals? Good. As long as it isn’t Richard fucking Wilkins.
7:29pm. Here we go.
7:30pm. How the fuck is Ruby Rose famous, and why do we care what she’s wearing? (Actually, that goes for much of the Australian television industry.)
7:30pm. MYER!
7:31pm. Lisa has a dress with pockets. Clever.
7:31pm. Ew. Jules Lund.
7:32pm. Oh, Jules. Even a Wikipedia hacker wouldn’t be stupid enough to lie about someone playing a ukulele-strumming lesbian.
7:32pm. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Why would you go with the Bea Arthur hairdo?
7:33pm. Firass Durani was once a Power Ranger? Awesome. But I’d still feel oddly weird tracking down some of his episodes just to see him in lycra. Especially when I can probably just hold out a few weeks and see him full frontal on Underbelly.
7:33pm. Gabriella Cilmi really needs to be told that she can't recycle her Year 11 Formal dress for an occasion like this.
7:34pm. Were it not for those freaking shoulder pads, Kerri-Anne would have almost made up for one of her several past wardrobe disasters.
7:36pm. Matt Preston’s second mouth will be nominated for Best New Talent next year.
7:36pm. From Australia’s Next Top Model winner to Logies trophy girl? Ouch.
7:37pm. Danni Minogue’s boyfriend may be the only person alive with a speaking voice more unattractive than Richard Reid’s.
7:37pm. Sigrid Thornton. Blecch. Hideous.
7:38pm. MYER!
7:39pm. Love how they couldn’t even be bothered spelling Kerri-Anne’s surname on the Best Dressed graphic.
7:39pm. Isn’t it cliché for Rhonda Burchmore to wear red to an awards night by now?
7:39pm. Bonnie Lythgoe has got to stop Bedazzling potato sacks.
7:43pm. MONKEY! (...No, wait, that’s just Johnny Galecki.)
7:44pm. Did Johnny just respond to Karl telling him “in bed early” with “you too”? LOVE!
7:45pm. It takes a lot to make background people the most attractive on the screen, but Ruby and Molly Meldrum have managed it.
7:46pm. Jules looks ridiculously tall compared to Poh. Also, Poh? Spaghetti straps Do. Not. Work.
7:47pm. Kerri-Anne and Ruby had a thing in the loos last year? It’s official, Ruby is the new Molly.
7:48pm. Jules, shut up. Hamish and Andy are even less deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama was.
7:49pm. Note to Channel Nine: When talking about how all the stars are swarming the red carpet, it might not be a good idea to have the near-empty red carpet in the background.
7:50pm. Oh, Myf. You’re trying to live down last year’s monstrosity, and you go with POLKA DOTS?!
7:50pm. Livinia never fails to look beautiful.
7:51pm. Shaun Micallef! If only there was a special episode of Your Gen tonight, they could have used red carpet eyesores for a round of iChronoloco!, and called it iChronologie!.
7:52pm. Scott Cam? Not interested. And not interesting, which is helpful.
7:52pm. Peter Helliar’s face matches the carpet.
7:54pm. MYER!
7:54pm. Nice to finally see Neighbours stars treat the Logies with some dignity. We’ve come a long way since Harold rapping.
7:59pm. Andrew Hansen and Julian Morrow, with Karl? This should be interesting.
8:00pm. Not so much.
8:01pm. Jules Lund is nominated? Ew.
8:01pm. MYER!
8:02pm. Tasma Walton has given the words “getting your trashbag on” new meaning.
8:03pm. Shut up, Rove.
8:03pm. Jules is with Kat Stewart and Justine Clarke. One is an overrated untalented bore, but dressed well, the other is an underrated overtalented actress, but dressed like a whore. And Kat Stewart is also there.
8:04pm. k.d. lang is singing Hallelujah again?! Does she even have any other songs? It’s a big step up from Susan Boyle, but not enough, to be honest.
8:05pm. She thought about buying Pauline Hanson’s house? She’s definitely not Aussie. (And would Pauline have even considered it? Though she isn’t Asian, k.d. probably ticks off about thirty of Pauline’s other Bad People criteria.)
8:09pm. MYER!
8:10pm. Who is Yumi Stynes? Looks good, though.
8:10pm. Zed oh emm gee, Jane Hall. Amazing.
8:10pm. Paul McDermott really needs a team of writers in order to be entertaining.
8:11pm. Jessica Marais appears to have had her dress tattooed on.
8:12pm. Wil Anderson cracks me up, even when he’s not being too funny. (Note to self: Next year, plagiarise from his Twitter feed.)
8:13pm. MYER!
8:13pm. For someone who’s only famous because of one of these red carpet events, Rebecca Twigley really needs to learn what she’s doing.
8:15pm. Hooray! The real show!
8:16pm. Nice to see Gabriella Cilmi is mourning Big Brother’s first year of not being nominated in almost a decade by using a rejected Diary Room chair in her performance.
8:17pm. Woo! Hot men! Aside from that, though, this whole performance is torture.
8:18pm. Fireworks! If only one of them would accidentally fly in the general direction of Kochie…
8:19pm. Credits.
8:20pm. Yay, Bert! But how the fuck was Mick Molloy let through security?
8:21pm. It might be his nineteenth time, but Bert Newton really needs to do this more often.
8:21pm. Hee, Bert thinks we’re lucky he’s not hosting from heaven. Compared to last year’s heaven sketch, this really is heaven. Heaven!
8:23pm. Is this the first time Channel 31’s been mentioned in the Logies monologue? About time.
8:24pm. Bert really doesn’t care about Tahnee Atkinson. HA!
8:25pm. “Sam Newman is not the casting director of Neighbours”. Home And Away is another matter, of course.
8:26pm. Most Popular Presenter. Blond women and stand-up comedians. I’ve got this sewn up, after my sex change and hairdresser’s appointment!
8:27pm. Congratulations, Shaun Micallef! Aaaand we’re taking the piss out of victory speeches already. Awesome.
8:29pm. Claudia Karvan and Samuel Johnson, presenting The Secret Life Of Australia’s Most Popular Drama Series.
8:30pm. Shut up, Sam. Even Claudia (who looks like Kristina Keneally tonight, because politicians are just great at being fashionable, and if you disagree, Steve Fielding will cut you) can’t believe him.
8:32pm. Congratulations, Packed To The Rafters! And quit bitching about not being smart enough to download your own speech, Erik.
8:33pm. How is Erik’s tie on such an angle? Was he trying to pee from his nipples?
8:34pm. MYER!
8:35pm. To paraphrase from Brian McFadden (I know), why don’t you just fuck off back to New Zealand, Richard Wilkins?
8:40pm. Kat Stewart and Asher Keddie, presenting Most Popular Actor, and claiming the Oh, How Embarrassing! Award For Identical Dresses while they’re at it.
8:41pm. All Channel Seven guys? Hardly seems fair, but whatever. Congratulations, Hugh Sheridan! If he’s not gay and fucking a jockey to get his suit looking that silky, I’ll be shocked. And if he’s just broken up with the jockey, he can use the Logie to pleasure himself.
8:42pm. Natalie Bassingthwaite, presenting Most Popular Factual Program, also known as Most Popular Repetitive Documentary.
8:43pm. Congratulations, Bondi Rescue! Ever wanted to know what the five comedians nominated for the Gold Logie would look like with severe facial injuries? Just look at these guys.
8:45pm. She’s also doing Most Popular Lifestyle Program, also known as Most Popular Non-Repetitive Documentary. Even she’s surprised Top Gear Australia is nominated. Heh.
8:47pm. Congratulations, Better Homes And Gardens! But since I still haven’t forgiven Johanna Griggs for all those BAY! JING! In CHI! NUH! Comments during the Olympics, I’m not going to pay attention.
8:48pm. I’m nominating Dr. Harry for Best Dressed.
8:53pm. Can’t we get away from Ruby? She and Luke Jacobz (hot and hilarious, still, after all these years) are doing Most Popular Reality Show.
8:54pm. Ruby, the show was watched by FOUR MILLION PEOPLE. It’s not exactly a situation where you can draw out the suspense without sounding like a massive tool. But knowing this would require some sort of self-awareness, so here we are.
8:54pm. Congratulations, Masterchef Australia! Apparently, Matt Preston ate everybody else who was even remotely involved with the show. Except for Julie.
8:56pm. Kristian Schmidt and Damian Walshe-Howling. Most Popular “Female Actor”, despite the graphics using “Actress”.
8:57pm. Congratulations, Rebecca Gibney!
8:58pm. I did not need to know about her menstrual cycle.
8:59pm. After the break: k.d. lang.
9:04pm. Montreal hosted a games of some kind recently? The Quebec separatists will be pleased to learn about this.
9:05pm. When she sings, k.d. lang always looks so drunk she’s about to collapse.
9:07pm. It’s a good thing “our love is not a victory march”, because watching her perform this song AGAIN is beginning to feel a bit like a death march.
9:10pm. No. No standing ovation.
9:11pm. Apparently, Eddie was too busy bending over backwards trying to apologise to Johnny Weir to say “Vancouver” every six seconds. Oh well.
9:12pm. Piano Guy could have dressed up for the occasion.
9:12pm. Bert, I don’t think she’s interested in marrying Piano Guy.
9:13pm. “Here’s Moira”. And with that, this year’s Logies immediately pwns the hell out of last year’s, although I would like some actual sketches.
9:13pm. Why does my computer recognise “pwns” as a word?
9:13pm. MYER!
9:16pm. This is one hell of a long “Myer Minute”.
9:20pm. “There’s only one footy show”, commercials? The four-minute Myer Minute would beg to differ.
9:21pm. Shane Bourne, presenting Most Outstanding Factual Program.
9:21pm. Just get on with it, Shane.
9:22pm. Oh, please. No way Last Chance Saloon was watched by enough people for a round of applause that big. Law And Disorder, too.
9:23pm. Congratulations, Law And Disorder! Typical boring SBS acceptance speeches. This is what happens when they appear on commercial television.
9:25pm. Shaun Micallef again, presenting Most Outstanding Children’s Program.
9:26pm. Congratulations, My Place! I believe it’s ABC3’s first ever Logie, right? Cool. (Next year, Larry Hagman’s work on I Dream Of Jeannie will win him Best New Male Talent for GO!)
9:28pm. Wilfred and the Commando, presenting Most Popular Sports Program. Naturally.
9:29pm. Apparently, the Commando wishes he was licking balls. Well then.
9:30pm. Congratulations, NRL Footy Show! Of course, Channel Nine will revoke their Logies in a few years because the show’s been going over-budget, but whatever.
9:31pm. I would like to know what the hell Wendell Sailor (that’s him, right?) did to the Commando to get a laugh that big.
9:33pm. After the break: John Mayer.
9:36pm. John Mayer’s busy Twittering, so here’s Don Lane’s son! Eat it!
9:39pm. Maria Venuti, looking like a bad drag queen. Some things never change.
9:40pm. Other people died in the last year?
9:41pm. I always feel bad for the people who don’t get much applause. Then I remember they’re not currently in the position to care, and all is well in the world.
9:43pm. This is really the worst possible cover of Time After Time in creation, unless there’s a Ricki-Lee Coulter performance floating around somewhere. And I’m not sure I want to look.
9:48pm. Adam Hills. Most Outstanding New Talent, Graham Kennedy Variation.
9:49pm. That poor microphone operator, just wanted to get his job done in peace, and now he’s going to wind up on Youtube.
9:50pm. It’s the only time a fat British guy, a little kid, and someone playing a prostitute will ever be able to compete against each other without somebody getting arrested.
9:50pm. Congratulations, Matt Preston!
9:52pm. Vince Colosimo and “the host of Kerri-Anne”, presenting Most Popular Light Entertainment.
9:54pm. The world needs more lecherous Italian stereotypes on television.
9:54pm. Deal Or No Deal counts as entertainment? And Sunrise? Last I heard, they’re both considered alternatives to waterboarding in Iraq now.
9:55pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! The thank you speech in just 27 seconds.
9:56pm. After the break: John Mayer. No, really. For real this time!
10:00pm. Richard Wilkins? Fuck that shit. I’m getting a snack.
10:06pm. MYER!
10:07pm. This toasted sandwich is much hotter than many of the people in that room. And about ninety-nine per cent less cheesy.
10:11pm. Jennifer Byrne, presenting Most Oustanding News Coverage.
10:12pm. Congratulations, Victorian bushfires! You just helped Seven News win a Logie! (Brian Naylor could not be reached for comment.)
10:14pm. Dear Jennifer Keyte: That dress makes you look anorexic.
10:16pm. You know how Bert was going on about television Moments about an hour ago, when k.d. land was performing? Norm Beaman accepting this award is one of those Moments.
10:17pm. Jennifer Byrne, also presenting Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report.
10:18pm. Seems appropriate that Today Tonight wasn’t nominated.
10:19pm. Congratulations, Four Corners!
10:21pm. Hee, Channel Nine mockery! Snarking on underperformance never stops being old.
10:22pm. Hall of Fame. I feel so horrible for mentioning Brian Naylor now. Oops.
10:23pm. I swear, Bert Newton is the only person who ever uses the word “compere” any more.
10:25pm. Mal Walden, Peter Mitchell, and Peter Hitchener, all together? I feel like the world is going to implode on itself unless I start channel surfing. I wonder what Dutch porno SBS has on tonight.
10:27pm. Awww, I wish I was riding on a rainbow.
10:29pm. You know, I’m trying to think who the other posthumous inductee was, and I just can’t work it out. The closest I’m coming is Ruth Cracknell, but I’m pretty sure she was still alive for hers. Anyone? (EDIT: Maurie! Thanks, Wikipedia!)
10:34pm. A skit scored to Spandau Ballet? That was unexpected. Aside from the noticeable absence of horrendously uncomfortable “Let’s Get To Know The Nominees!” interviews throughout the night.
10:35pm. Michael Slater and Glenn McGrath? No. No. None of this. None. Of. This.
10:36pm. Most Outstanding Sports Coverage.
10:37pm. Congratulations, non-MYER! product placement! And also Channel Seven’s Bathurst coverage, apparently. Not like it matters.
10:39pm. Molly Meldrum and John Mayer. Fuck. I thought I missed out on all the annoying Johnny Depp wannabes and sexually transmitted presenters.
10:39pm. Shut up, Molly, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Vagina Division (Presumably).
10:41pm. No, really, Molly. Shut up. Nobody else cares about the Storm, and we certainly don’t need you randomly interrupting an awards night to bitch some more.
10:42pm. Congratulations (eventually), Luke Mitchell!
10:43pm. Shut up, John, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Penis Division (Presumably).
10:44pm. How the FUCK did Carrie Bickmore win this award when (1) she’s not a new talent, and (2) her show isn’t popular? I swear, if Nine repeated Australian Survivor after Knob died last year, he’d probably have been nominated.
10:46pm. “Good evening, I’m Carrie Bickmore, and the rash is clearing up nicely.” Unfortunately, the virus is still polluting our television screens.
10:50pm. Rogue Traders. Yawn. Was John Farnham busy doing another comeback concert or something?
10:52pm. I wonder what Natalie Bassingthwaite’s thinking at the moment.
10:54pm. MYER!
10:54pm. Congratulations, Livinia Nixon! You’re the Least Hideously Dressed Woman!
10:55pm. And congratulations, Random Home Viewer!
10:56pm. “You’re a strange woman with weird eyesight!” Go, Matt Preston!
10:57pm. State of Origin in 3D? Pass. State of Origin in X-Ray? I’d give that a try.
11:01pm. Charlotte Dawson and Dieter Brummer, whoever he is, are presenting Most Outstanding Comedy.
11:02pm. Wow, it was a good year for Aussie comedy for once. (We’ll just ignore any mention of the words “Hey, Dad” for now, shall we? Good.)
11:03pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! Again!
11:04pm. Roseanne Barr is doing Shaun Micallef’s role in the American version? Trust them to fuck it up.
11:05pm. Yvonne Strahovski and Johnny Galecki, here as our annual reminder that as good as Australian television has been over the past year, American television is just that little bit better.
11:07pm. What was the category? I was distracted by Johnny’s bad hairdo.
11:09pm. Most Outstanding Drama, Miniseries, Or Telemovie, riiiiiight.
11:09pm. Congratuations, East West 101! It’s official, SBS has now won more Logies tonight than Channel Nine. Go, competent broadcasting! And, of course, since Channel Nine’s entire programming schedule for this year seems to be Survivor, Top Gear “special episodes”, and repeats of Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, that doesn’t look like it’s going to change again next year.
11:15pm. Sigrid Thornton and John Waters are presenting the Most Outstanding Actor and Most Outstanding Actress. Not in that order, of course, because alphabetical order sucks and should be avoided at all cost.
11:18pm. John Waters’ suit designer has apparently taken his surname literally. I don’t think I’ve ever been seasick looking at a tuxedo before. Dresses? Sure. Southern Cross train station? Absolutely. But a tux? No.
11:18pm. Congratulations, Claudia Karvan!
11:19pm. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Feels good, don’t it, Claudia?
11:22pm. Congratulations, Don Hany! And Nine can’t even win a Logie when its for someone from another channel now. Ouch.
11:25pm. You know, we’re almost at the end now, and nobody’s been given the You’re Taking Too Long, Get The Fuck Off The Stage music tonight. First awards show ever!
11:28pm. Bert’s presenting the Gold Logie, too. “This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The end of the show”, indeed.
11:29pm. Ooooh, I hope it’s a tie.
11:30pm. Congratulations, Ray Meagher! That was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. Did everyone vote for him out of sympathy after Harold lost last year?
11:31pm. Ray Meagher using a horse racing slang term reminds me that he sounds exactly like a racecaller.
11:35pm. See, Molly? That’s how you make a salary cap joke.
11:37pm. Oooh, glitter! I'm sure there's a punchline here that doesn't involve Bob Downe, but I'm going to need some booze to get at it.
11:39pm. Did Andrew O’Keefe really eat an ornamental flower? Tool.
11:41pm. It seems fitting that the last shot of the show is of Ray Meagher checking his watch. (And only eleven minutes over!)
Next year: Bindi Irwin pashes Justin Bieber. Thousands of tweenage girls attempt suicide with plastic scissors, thousands of tweenage boys breathe a sigh of relief.
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Bunch Of Files
Okay, so. Linking these here so I don't have to keep logging into WordPress to find the links.
The Survivor Challenge List, Version 2 (incomplete -- China, Micronesia, Gabon, Tocantins, Samoa, Santa Carolina (South Africa) and Heroes Vs. Villains only)
The pitch for my online series.
And the draft script for the pilot, which still needs severe work.
The Survivor Challenge List, Version 2 (incomplete -- China, Micronesia, Gabon, Tocantins, Samoa, Santa Carolina (South Africa) and Heroes Vs. Villains only)
The pitch for my online series.
And the draft script for the pilot, which still needs severe work.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
13 Thoughts From And Things About My Final Week As A Teenager
1. It's also the first week back at university. If that isn't a sign that I should probably, you know, start being more mature, I don't know what is. But apparently some sarcastic deity is pissed off about me accidentally causing the death of Michael Jackson or something, and has decided that my mother needs to fight cancer. Again. You know what? I'm sick of being the nice (or, rather, "nice") guy who always winds up with nothing. The world has made The List.
2. Why are there now enough bread rolls in my kitchen to feed a small Central American country? Are we collecting for Haiti?
3. Fun: Being only a few kilometres away from the suburb with the most damage from the largest hailstorm in our region in a century and having our house not get damaged at all. Less fun: Being woken up at 4am the next morning by a damp-loving centipede (or whatever it is) trying to crawl up my nose.
4. Monkey!
5. So, the way the bus stop down the end of my street is set up, I can either sit on the seat and wait for the bus to eventually turn up (it's already fifteen minutes late), getting blinded by the sunlight, or I can avoid it by going shin-deep in the mud that's now behind the crappy advertisement board thingy? Oh, joy. After experiencing that, I am officially more deserving of a million dollars than Cassandra was in Survivor: Fiji.
6. I swear, the newbies at Deakin get hotter every year. It's like an armada of pretty people, and I'm single oversized flamer here to ruin the invasion. Speaking of, is there something about me that just screams "Cancel our non-date thing without telling me!" This past summer, it's gotten to the point I could reach Fat Elvis proportions, and nobody would ever know, because they wouldn't turn up to discover it.
7. Whose dumb idea was it to make a class on the very first day back -- a public holiday, to boot -- take an excursion into the city? Especially without organising a bus or something for people to be able to get there? And especially when the people who then wind up carpooling in cramped cars have to go down a street that's blocked off for the Moomba parade to get where they need to go? And with only three days notice?
8. I have Shaun Micallef's French version of the What's A Doodle Do? song from Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation stuck in my head. Le damn.
9. And here I thought Connex was incompetent. Turns out when it was railroaded out of town, the train wasn't only delayed like it would have been if they were in charge, it was cancelled. And so were the 578 after it. (In related news, "metrosexuals" have now changed their lame nickname of choice to "fauxmosexuals".)
10. Oooh! 21 Jump Street! Hey, remember when Johnny Depp wasn't a crazy nutbag in everything he did? Remember when Brad Pitt was able to guest star without it being a big deal for anyone except his own mother? Remember when Pauly Shore was still doing stuff? Yeah, me neither. Let's pretend to watch! Or we could watch something else instead, because my random Thomas Dekker lust knows no bounds. Aside from that little thing called the Pacific Ocean.
11. I should make a joke about having to watch the movie Peeping Tom in a lecture, but I like to work for the chance to make a joke (unlike, say, Eddie McGuire or Dave Hughes), so no dice.
12. It seems an appropriate tribute to my generation that my last day as a teenager was spent doing sweet fuckall.
13. I know it's only the first week back and we haven't organised our weekly Queer Beer thing yet, but I feel like I missed out on seeing a bunch of people. Sigh. So, you know, if you see me at uni, come say hi. It's not like I'll be using the time to do some actual classwork or anything.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
27 Things About Prison Bitches (Australian Survivor 2x03)
1. I'm going to start this blog the same way I started recapping as a hobby (as opposed to just being a part-time distraction), by trawling my way through Australian Survivor. But, since I'm already done with that, I'm going to finish off Celebrity Survivor, which I was partially through. If you haven't already read them, the non-celebrity version is completely covered, and the first two episodes of Celebrity Survivor are covered, right here.
2. Previously: Amber wanted food so badly that she decided to see if she could whine and whine for as long as it took for the producers to have pity on The Poor Celebrities and give them some. The rest of Mofo shared her sentiments, but not necessarily her methods. Hornebags, for example, decided to try and conjure up some actual melons as opposed to the synthetic ones she's stuffed into her bikini. Imogen was hearing voices in her head, and those voices were telling her to do different things than the voices in her loins were. At Cockula, jaunty island music announced the transition from "rats" to bitches. The least bitchy member of the tribe also happened to be the hottest tribe member, as well as the one most likely to not wind up impersonating a sun-dried tomato at the end of this. The Leech learned that the jungle actually does have items you could use to help you avoid, you know, dying a grisly and entertaining death. Turns out cavemen weren't magic after all. Who knew? Cockula had a lovely bunch of coconuts, but they also had nuts in their minds, and so wound up winning fruit but losing Immunity. Mofo almost wished they weren't suddenly so good at not sucking, because they wanted to vote out Hornebags. Gee, I wonder if the fact that nobody likes Hornebags is going to be relevant this week. At Cockula, the two main contenders for First Off The Sinking Ship were the Token Piece Of Eye-Candy and the Strong Smart Guy Who Could Win Almost Any Challenge Single-Handed. Unsurprisingly, because they're "celebrities" and not strategists, they voted off the guy who made them all look merely incompetent at things involving survival skills, rather than the one who made them look like a bunch of dumb horny frat boys. Ten vaguely human-shaped organisms are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?
3. I'm not sure why Hornebags thinks storing the fruit from the last reward anywhere else (as opposed to the bag they came in) was supposed to be a safeguard against getting them attacked by fruit flies. I would have thought the bag was at least offering a layer of protection. But then again, if I actually were able to spend enough time to find any sense in one of Hornebags' pointless arguments, the world would probably implode on itself, so.
4. Hey, editors? Don't need the concept of "Oldfart is climbing a tree" to be shown with a shot from directly below, giving the impression we can see up his shorts. Just... ew. Oldfart confessionals, shorts safely below the bottom of the frame, that Cockula doesn't need a leader to be successful. No wonder he works in New South Wales state politics. Back out in the jungle, Oldfart shakes the tree so hard a coconut falls out and conks ManNan on the head. I suspect it's not the first time ManNan's head has had physical contact with a nut, but that may just be projecting. ManNan, Gab, and the Leech all laugh at his total inability to move out of the way of flying nuts.
5. Gab tells us that Cockula is "a really strong tribe" and is "capable of winning all the challenges". Aside from that one they just lost, I guess. She knows that "each person on the team" has got something they're good at, but she's still trying to find hers. I know, I know! Her special talent is being far less irritating than anyone else on her godforsaken tribe! It's certainly not chopping coconuts, from what we see. Or perhaps it's the ability to publicly embarrass people for "having a slash" on a beach in front of some cameras. Nah, it can't be that. The Leech is already doing a fine job of making a laughingstock of himself. Also, GROSS.
6. I know how the yawning lizard feels.
7. Hornebags provides a confessional, trying to explain where in her decision making process she made the leap from "everyone hates me" to "time for naked sunbathing!" She strips off and sits inside a small pond. It's wrong of me to hope that pond has flesh-eating bacteria in it, right? Okay, I won't. Much. It certainly does look pretty stagnant, though. More blabbering about how the act of getting nude on camera is a spiritual thing and not just some excuse to get more screentime, and WHATEVER. If I wasn't already gay enough as it was, that would have just pushed me over the borderline. (Bor-derliiine!)
8. You know what the best thing about not doing full recaps for this show is? I don't feel obliged to recap the treemail. Or the bit where the tribes can't figure out what the challenge is going to entail, even when it's pointed out so blatantly in the clue that I'm surprised there aren't little flashing neon lights wired into the plank of wood with the message on it. But anyway, the challenge is that one where you put something on one side of a seesaw and stomp on the other side to catapult it into the basket on top of you. Dicko calls it "The Basket Stomp", which is officially the least imaginative name since The Baby-Sitters Club was popular. Mofo have decided to come in war paint as a show of tribal unity. Which is convenient, because the Cowboys and Injuns (as Dicko put it) are about to be shuffled.
9. Also convenient? Justin and Gab both managing to avoid elimination in the first two episodes so they can choose their new tribes. It's one of those "choose someone of the other sex" deals, but this time Justin and Gab will do all the choosing, as opposed to each person picked choosing the next one. I like the other way better, but not by much. Justin does the smart thing and gives himself an out if his new tribe (let's call them MoFaux) loses, by picking Hornebags first. Long story short, MoFaux has Justin, Hornebags, ManNan, Amber, and Oldfart, while Shockula has the other losers. By which I mean Gab, the Leech, Nicolle, Wayne, and Imogen. Boy, it's hard to choose which tribe I dislike least. In theory, Shockula's only crime is having the two men, but then ManNan and Amber are stuck on a tribe with three irritating twats, so it sort of balances out. They are fairly evenly matched skillwise, though, which is a vast improvement on how it could have gone. Imagine how different this would be had some of these people been separated differently. Go ahead. It's not going to wind up looking this even on paper if Oldfart and the Leech switched positions, is it? And we came that close to this being another blowout. I think the onomatopoeia I'm looking for is "Phew".
10. The challenge itself is so dull that the most interesting aspects are Dicko deciding to re-welcome everyone to The Basket Stomp, as though they'd all been concussed after a nasty crash at the Whistler Sliding Centre (which, by the way, will now be remembered as part of the most awkwardly uncomfortable Amazing Race prize holiday ever, but more on that when I get around to writing about TAR16), and the fact that Dicko barely manages to avoid tacking "and it could all be yours, if The Price... Is... Right!" on to the end of his revealing the reward to be a full-on outdoor kitchen set-up. (I have now made Price Is Right mentions in two recaps for this and one for The Mole. Apparently, I really miss the little yodelling mountain climber and his dog.) Mofaux wins it.
11. Gab explains that while they were waiting for the new tribe members to arrive at Shockula (it looks like they didn't go straight there from the challenge, for whatever reason), Wayne and the Leech were busy trying to convince her to boot Imogen. Funny how they were treating her like crap just yesterday, and are now including her as part of the decision-making process because they no longer have an unassailable majority. Imogen tells us that she was able to hear everything they were saying, because the shoreline of Vanuatu is not exactly soundproof, and knew the men were going to try and get all the information they needed out of them before voting them out. Trying to get information to help them last longer than you in a game only winnable by getting rid of everyone else? Those rat bastards!
12. At MoFaux, Oldfart explains that either he or ManNan is likely to be voted out if the tribe loses, so there's got to be some serious magic juju to keep them both around. Luckily, Hornebags has found some freaky painted tchotchke, which she thinks is responsible for helping them find food and whatnot. ManNan thinks she's trying to pull a fast one on him, but soon discovers that she really is that batshit insane. Oldfart does too, contrasting her background in "paganism" with his conservative lifestyle. Conservative enough to self-describe as "metrosexual". Eh.
13. Hornebags wants the camp realigned in accordance with feng shui, but the only thing well-placed is the commercial break.
14. Risotto is a romantic meal, at any time of night and even with Oldfart as your chef-slash-waiter. Elton is jealous, realising that Oldfart's pretty much bought his way to safety by cooking them a decent meal, and making him the sole odd one out. Crap. The creepy idol thingy agrees with him and me, in that he's screwed (and not in any of the fun ways).
15. Wayne claims that the tribal shuffle has "brought a whole lot of new dynamics" to the tribe. Is 'dynamics' a new euphemism for 'boobs'? Unfortunately for him, the women are busy being self-sufficient and not at all like the 1950's Stepford Wife he and the rest of Cockula were trying to turn Gab into before the shuffle. Don't they know they can't make toothbrushes by chopping down palm fronds? He and the Leech are in denial about having the capacity to do anything to change their fate at this point.
16. Oh, look. Hornebags is naked again. Amber is discussing strategy with her, and God bless the editors for finding a confessional where she uses the word 'confronting'. That's almost too easy a target, really. Amber is aware that Hornebags and Justin are tight, as are ManNan and Oldfart, which leaves Amber as the least tight person on MoFaux. Not exactly the person I would have suspected, to be totally honest.
17. It's not so much fun not recapping the treemail when there isn't any to recap.
18. When they walk up to the challenge, it's a big jail set-up, which will be good practice for when the winner gets arrested for tax evasion or animal cruelty. Or whatever else they get imprisoned for. The challenge is pretty much the same as the one they used for the Outcasts in Survivor: Pearl Islands. One person runs down a path to grab the tribe flag before coming back. They dig under the gate to get into the cell and untie someone, and both of them dig into the next cell to untie someone else. All three of them use whatever they can grab to build a pole and grab a hanging key, which unlocks the next cell. Finally, they use the same pole to grab another key, unlocking the two people chained up inside like so many movie characters, and escaping out the front door. This is, of course, so much tougher than escaping from an actual Australian prison. And about sixteen or seventeen times less humane. They don't even get Foxtel here! They'd be lucky just to get GO! First tribe out wins. I don't know why neither tribe uses the pole from their tribe flag to help them grab the keys, but it'd be both longer (meaning making the pole takes less time) and more secure (meaning it's less likely to break and cause you to lose even more time) than the sticks on the ground are. Something for MoFaux to ponder over as they wait for Tribal Council, since Shockula wins.
19. Monkey!
20. Hornebags correctly blames herself for losing, calling it "a really big drag". Takes one to know one, I suppose. (Yes, I realise that makes approximately zero sense. I don't care.) She takes the time to check with the group whether they'll hold her responsible for making them lose the challenge, and stupidly decides to point out exactly where she screwed the team over. It's good to know she was at least paying attention to something in the challenge. She claims she'll be able to suck it up and deal if they blame her for the loss. Well, good.
21. Oldfart is only too happy to point out that a supposedly self-sufficient woman failed to, as he puts it, "bring home the bacon". He says the tribe's losing the challenge doesn't affect who gets voted out, but whether Hornebags can keep her numbers majority after losing the challenge does. So, in essence, he's saying he would apparently still be trying to vote for her even if they won the challenge. I can just imagine Hornebags retrieving treemail the next morning and wondering why the hell there are slips of paper with her name written in giant, television-friendly letters. Actually, given the intelligence of these people, it could be any of them.
22. During the commercial break, Hornebags moved back three steps so she could walk up the same path she was walking along during Oldfart's confessional. Because she just isn't getting enough screentime this week, between the fruit argument and the nude stagnant swamp bath and the losing the challenge. She thinks Oldfart is "totally, unexpectedly awesome". Well then. If Hornebags says she likes him, I suppose I have to add him to The List. I wonder who I can get rid of from the list, though. There's just so many hateable people on it at this point.
23. ManNan is indeed "rockin' it".
24. Quoth the Hornebags: "Unless I'm an absolute idiot and the, the biggest... um, like, most naive idiot in the world, I am 500% sure that Amber, Justin and I are locked in solid, and we've made our choice." Oh, my. OH, MY. Could they at least make me work for decent snark? This is like taking candy from a baby. And by "a baby", I mean "the editors". They're probably expecting me to lift their shirts and give them a raspberry for this.
25. Amber skates everywhere around the hole in the ice that is saying the words "I'm the swing vote", but unfortunately for Hornebags (let's be honest, it will be Hornebags), she's competent enough to avoid falling in. Barely. She must have been getting lessons from Imogen before the tribe shuffle. Oldfart tells her Hornebags has "lost her right to be here". Yes, really. Meanwhile, Justin and ManNan helped them win the challe... oh, wait.
26. Tribal Council is just as dreary and boring as it was under the old recapping style. But Amber does provide a very interesting answer about how she didn't expect the politicking to be such a major part of her time in this game, and didn't bother spending much time before the show trying to figure out how she should approach it. Apparently, she was hoping this would be Survivor: Kadina Edition. I knew I liked her. And Dicko has to ruin all my enjoyment of this whole scene by claiming the shuffle ruined the awesome little society Justin's set up for himself. Because, as we all know, when there are a bunch of women and only one man, the man is the centre of attention. It's exactly why we saw Charlie all the time and rarely saw his Angels. Meanwhile, Hornebags thinks "[her] tribe's safety and warmth was more important than [her] twenty-year-old pack of tarot cards". Yeah, let's see if she still feels that way in ten minutes.
27. To cut a long, boring and montage-filled story short, Dicko brings back the votes and Oldfart gets the first two, before Fiona gets the rest. Hey, this is actually tense! But it's Hornebags and Oldfart, so it doesn't really matter. I'm happy either way. The last vote is for Hornebags, and that'll do her. I wonder if her tarot cards would have seen this coming, had she looked at them. Rather than point this out, Dicko decides to go with a kiddie-friendly round of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone". Her final words are filled with an obscene amount of fake cheer and genuine bitterness. Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!
2. Previously: Amber wanted food so badly that she decided to see if she could whine and whine for as long as it took for the producers to have pity on The Poor Celebrities and give them some. The rest of Mofo shared her sentiments, but not necessarily her methods. Hornebags, for example, decided to try and conjure up some actual melons as opposed to the synthetic ones she's stuffed into her bikini. Imogen was hearing voices in her head, and those voices were telling her to do different things than the voices in her loins were. At Cockula, jaunty island music announced the transition from "rats" to bitches. The least bitchy member of the tribe also happened to be the hottest tribe member, as well as the one most likely to not wind up impersonating a sun-dried tomato at the end of this. The Leech learned that the jungle actually does have items you could use to help you avoid, you know, dying a grisly and entertaining death. Turns out cavemen weren't magic after all. Who knew? Cockula had a lovely bunch of coconuts, but they also had nuts in their minds, and so wound up winning fruit but losing Immunity. Mofo almost wished they weren't suddenly so good at not sucking, because they wanted to vote out Hornebags. Gee, I wonder if the fact that nobody likes Hornebags is going to be relevant this week. At Cockula, the two main contenders for First Off The Sinking Ship were the Token Piece Of Eye-Candy and the Strong Smart Guy Who Could Win Almost Any Challenge Single-Handed. Unsurprisingly, because they're "celebrities" and not strategists, they voted off the guy who made them all look merely incompetent at things involving survival skills, rather than the one who made them look like a bunch of dumb horny frat boys. Ten vaguely human-shaped organisms are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?
3. I'm not sure why Hornebags thinks storing the fruit from the last reward anywhere else (as opposed to the bag they came in) was supposed to be a safeguard against getting them attacked by fruit flies. I would have thought the bag was at least offering a layer of protection. But then again, if I actually were able to spend enough time to find any sense in one of Hornebags' pointless arguments, the world would probably implode on itself, so.
4. Hey, editors? Don't need the concept of "Oldfart is climbing a tree" to be shown with a shot from directly below, giving the impression we can see up his shorts. Just... ew. Oldfart confessionals, shorts safely below the bottom of the frame, that Cockula doesn't need a leader to be successful. No wonder he works in New South Wales state politics. Back out in the jungle, Oldfart shakes the tree so hard a coconut falls out and conks ManNan on the head. I suspect it's not the first time ManNan's head has had physical contact with a nut, but that may just be projecting. ManNan, Gab, and the Leech all laugh at his total inability to move out of the way of flying nuts.
5. Gab tells us that Cockula is "a really strong tribe" and is "capable of winning all the challenges". Aside from that one they just lost, I guess. She knows that "each person on the team" has got something they're good at, but she's still trying to find hers. I know, I know! Her special talent is being far less irritating than anyone else on her godforsaken tribe! It's certainly not chopping coconuts, from what we see. Or perhaps it's the ability to publicly embarrass people for "having a slash" on a beach in front of some cameras. Nah, it can't be that. The Leech is already doing a fine job of making a laughingstock of himself. Also, GROSS.
6. I know how the yawning lizard feels.
7. Hornebags provides a confessional, trying to explain where in her decision making process she made the leap from "everyone hates me" to "time for naked sunbathing!" She strips off and sits inside a small pond. It's wrong of me to hope that pond has flesh-eating bacteria in it, right? Okay, I won't. Much. It certainly does look pretty stagnant, though. More blabbering about how the act of getting nude on camera is a spiritual thing and not just some excuse to get more screentime, and WHATEVER. If I wasn't already gay enough as it was, that would have just pushed me over the borderline. (Bor-derliiine!)
8. You know what the best thing about not doing full recaps for this show is? I don't feel obliged to recap the treemail. Or the bit where the tribes can't figure out what the challenge is going to entail, even when it's pointed out so blatantly in the clue that I'm surprised there aren't little flashing neon lights wired into the plank of wood with the message on it. But anyway, the challenge is that one where you put something on one side of a seesaw and stomp on the other side to catapult it into the basket on top of you. Dicko calls it "The Basket Stomp", which is officially the least imaginative name since The Baby-Sitters Club was popular. Mofo have decided to come in war paint as a show of tribal unity. Which is convenient, because the Cowboys and Injuns (as Dicko put it) are about to be shuffled.
9. Also convenient? Justin and Gab both managing to avoid elimination in the first two episodes so they can choose their new tribes. It's one of those "choose someone of the other sex" deals, but this time Justin and Gab will do all the choosing, as opposed to each person picked choosing the next one. I like the other way better, but not by much. Justin does the smart thing and gives himself an out if his new tribe (let's call them MoFaux) loses, by picking Hornebags first. Long story short, MoFaux has Justin, Hornebags, ManNan, Amber, and Oldfart, while Shockula has the other losers. By which I mean Gab, the Leech, Nicolle, Wayne, and Imogen. Boy, it's hard to choose which tribe I dislike least. In theory, Shockula's only crime is having the two men, but then ManNan and Amber are stuck on a tribe with three irritating twats, so it sort of balances out. They are fairly evenly matched skillwise, though, which is a vast improvement on how it could have gone. Imagine how different this would be had some of these people been separated differently. Go ahead. It's not going to wind up looking this even on paper if Oldfart and the Leech switched positions, is it? And we came that close to this being another blowout. I think the onomatopoeia I'm looking for is "Phew".
10. The challenge itself is so dull that the most interesting aspects are Dicko deciding to re-welcome everyone to The Basket Stomp, as though they'd all been concussed after a nasty crash at the Whistler Sliding Centre (which, by the way, will now be remembered as part of the most awkwardly uncomfortable Amazing Race prize holiday ever, but more on that when I get around to writing about TAR16), and the fact that Dicko barely manages to avoid tacking "and it could all be yours, if The Price... Is... Right!" on to the end of his revealing the reward to be a full-on outdoor kitchen set-up. (I have now made Price Is Right mentions in two recaps for this and one for The Mole. Apparently, I really miss the little yodelling mountain climber and his dog.) Mofaux wins it.
11. Gab explains that while they were waiting for the new tribe members to arrive at Shockula (it looks like they didn't go straight there from the challenge, for whatever reason), Wayne and the Leech were busy trying to convince her to boot Imogen. Funny how they were treating her like crap just yesterday, and are now including her as part of the decision-making process because they no longer have an unassailable majority. Imogen tells us that she was able to hear everything they were saying, because the shoreline of Vanuatu is not exactly soundproof, and knew the men were going to try and get all the information they needed out of them before voting them out. Trying to get information to help them last longer than you in a game only winnable by getting rid of everyone else? Those rat bastards!
12. At MoFaux, Oldfart explains that either he or ManNan is likely to be voted out if the tribe loses, so there's got to be some serious magic juju to keep them both around. Luckily, Hornebags has found some freaky painted tchotchke, which she thinks is responsible for helping them find food and whatnot. ManNan thinks she's trying to pull a fast one on him, but soon discovers that she really is that batshit insane. Oldfart does too, contrasting her background in "paganism" with his conservative lifestyle. Conservative enough to self-describe as "metrosexual". Eh.
13. Hornebags wants the camp realigned in accordance with feng shui, but the only thing well-placed is the commercial break.
14. Risotto is a romantic meal, at any time of night and even with Oldfart as your chef-slash-waiter. Elton is jealous, realising that Oldfart's pretty much bought his way to safety by cooking them a decent meal, and making him the sole odd one out. Crap. The creepy idol thingy agrees with him and me, in that he's screwed (and not in any of the fun ways).
15. Wayne claims that the tribal shuffle has "brought a whole lot of new dynamics" to the tribe. Is 'dynamics' a new euphemism for 'boobs'? Unfortunately for him, the women are busy being self-sufficient and not at all like the 1950's Stepford Wife he and the rest of Cockula were trying to turn Gab into before the shuffle. Don't they know they can't make toothbrushes by chopping down palm fronds? He and the Leech are in denial about having the capacity to do anything to change their fate at this point.
16. Oh, look. Hornebags is naked again. Amber is discussing strategy with her, and God bless the editors for finding a confessional where she uses the word 'confronting'. That's almost too easy a target, really. Amber is aware that Hornebags and Justin are tight, as are ManNan and Oldfart, which leaves Amber as the least tight person on MoFaux. Not exactly the person I would have suspected, to be totally honest.
17. It's not so much fun not recapping the treemail when there isn't any to recap.
18. When they walk up to the challenge, it's a big jail set-up, which will be good practice for when the winner gets arrested for tax evasion or animal cruelty. Or whatever else they get imprisoned for. The challenge is pretty much the same as the one they used for the Outcasts in Survivor: Pearl Islands. One person runs down a path to grab the tribe flag before coming back. They dig under the gate to get into the cell and untie someone, and both of them dig into the next cell to untie someone else. All three of them use whatever they can grab to build a pole and grab a hanging key, which unlocks the next cell. Finally, they use the same pole to grab another key, unlocking the two people chained up inside like so many movie characters, and escaping out the front door. This is, of course, so much tougher than escaping from an actual Australian prison. And about sixteen or seventeen times less humane. They don't even get Foxtel here! They'd be lucky just to get GO! First tribe out wins. I don't know why neither tribe uses the pole from their tribe flag to help them grab the keys, but it'd be both longer (meaning making the pole takes less time) and more secure (meaning it's less likely to break and cause you to lose even more time) than the sticks on the ground are. Something for MoFaux to ponder over as they wait for Tribal Council, since Shockula wins.
19. Monkey!
20. Hornebags correctly blames herself for losing, calling it "a really big drag". Takes one to know one, I suppose. (Yes, I realise that makes approximately zero sense. I don't care.) She takes the time to check with the group whether they'll hold her responsible for making them lose the challenge, and stupidly decides to point out exactly where she screwed the team over. It's good to know she was at least paying attention to something in the challenge. She claims she'll be able to suck it up and deal if they blame her for the loss. Well, good.
21. Oldfart is only too happy to point out that a supposedly self-sufficient woman failed to, as he puts it, "bring home the bacon". He says the tribe's losing the challenge doesn't affect who gets voted out, but whether Hornebags can keep her numbers majority after losing the challenge does. So, in essence, he's saying he would apparently still be trying to vote for her even if they won the challenge. I can just imagine Hornebags retrieving treemail the next morning and wondering why the hell there are slips of paper with her name written in giant, television-friendly letters. Actually, given the intelligence of these people, it could be any of them.
22. During the commercial break, Hornebags moved back three steps so she could walk up the same path she was walking along during Oldfart's confessional. Because she just isn't getting enough screentime this week, between the fruit argument and the nude stagnant swamp bath and the losing the challenge. She thinks Oldfart is "totally, unexpectedly awesome". Well then. If Hornebags says she likes him, I suppose I have to add him to The List. I wonder who I can get rid of from the list, though. There's just so many hateable people on it at this point.
23. ManNan is indeed "rockin' it".
24. Quoth the Hornebags: "Unless I'm an absolute idiot and the, the biggest... um, like, most naive idiot in the world, I am 500% sure that Amber, Justin and I are locked in solid, and we've made our choice." Oh, my. OH, MY. Could they at least make me work for decent snark? This is like taking candy from a baby. And by "a baby", I mean "the editors". They're probably expecting me to lift their shirts and give them a raspberry for this.
25. Amber skates everywhere around the hole in the ice that is saying the words "I'm the swing vote", but unfortunately for Hornebags (let's be honest, it will be Hornebags), she's competent enough to avoid falling in. Barely. She must have been getting lessons from Imogen before the tribe shuffle. Oldfart tells her Hornebags has "lost her right to be here". Yes, really. Meanwhile, Justin and ManNan helped them win the challe... oh, wait.
26. Tribal Council is just as dreary and boring as it was under the old recapping style. But Amber does provide a very interesting answer about how she didn't expect the politicking to be such a major part of her time in this game, and didn't bother spending much time before the show trying to figure out how she should approach it. Apparently, she was hoping this would be Survivor: Kadina Edition. I knew I liked her. And Dicko has to ruin all my enjoyment of this whole scene by claiming the shuffle ruined the awesome little society Justin's set up for himself. Because, as we all know, when there are a bunch of women and only one man, the man is the centre of attention. It's exactly why we saw Charlie all the time and rarely saw his Angels. Meanwhile, Hornebags thinks "[her] tribe's safety and warmth was more important than [her] twenty-year-old pack of tarot cards". Yeah, let's see if she still feels that way in ten minutes.
27. To cut a long, boring and montage-filled story short, Dicko brings back the votes and Oldfart gets the first two, before Fiona gets the rest. Hey, this is actually tense! But it's Hornebags and Oldfart, so it doesn't really matter. I'm happy either way. The last vote is for Hornebags, and that'll do her. I wonder if her tarot cards would have seen this coming, had she looked at them. Rather than point this out, Dicko decides to go with a kiddie-friendly round of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone". Her final words are filled with an obscene amount of fake cheer and genuine bitterness. Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Grim Recapper: 12 Things
Thought I'd get this started with twelve things all about me. Enjoy!
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1. On November 22, 1963, he was almost assassinated by a crazed gunman while driving through Dallas, but Scott Bakula managed to save him in time.
2. He may not necessarily be bigger than Jesus, but he's bigger in the sense that matters.
3. He spends too much time on Facebook commenting on status updates people he doesn't even know posted.
4. He cannot see Russia from his house, does not shoot bison from a helicopter, and is positive he could name at least one major American publication when asked. But he does occasionally write things on his hands to remember them. Crap.
5. He was the inspiration for the songs Barcelona, Waterloo, Tears In Heaven, and Murder On The Dancefloor.
6. He could do a better job of designing challenges and choosing locations for The Amazing Race than the current producers.
7. Monkey!
8. He would like to congratulate Ricki-Lee Coulter in advance for managing to turn the finest car seat cover money can buy into a dress for the Logies.
9. He has never bought a DVD based solely on the fact that a hot guy is semi-naked in it. Never. At all. Ever. Really. WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THAT LOOK?!
10. He thinks Eddie McGuire better be careful when he gets back from Vancouver, because he's unpopular enough to have made it onto the List Of People That Require Unfortunate Circumstances, and once you're on the List, chances are you won't escape it until the recapper foretells said unfortunate circumstances. (See also: Michael Jackson, Australian Survivor winner Rob Dickson, Kyle Sandilands.)
11. He was as bored reading this list as you were. [Edit: And can apparently count as well as your unborn demon spawn.]
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1. On November 22, 1963, he was almost assassinated by a crazed gunman while driving through Dallas, but Scott Bakula managed to save him in time.
2. He may not necessarily be bigger than Jesus, but he's bigger in the sense that matters.
3. He spends too much time on Facebook commenting on status updates people he doesn't even know posted.
4. He cannot see Russia from his house, does not shoot bison from a helicopter, and is positive he could name at least one major American publication when asked. But he does occasionally write things on his hands to remember them. Crap.
5. He was the inspiration for the songs Barcelona, Waterloo, Tears In Heaven, and Murder On The Dancefloor.
6. He could do a better job of designing challenges and choosing locations for The Amazing Race than the current producers.
7. Monkey!
8. He would like to congratulate Ricki-Lee Coulter in advance for managing to turn the finest car seat cover money can buy into a dress for the Logies.
9. He has never bought a DVD based solely on the fact that a hot guy is semi-naked in it. Never. At all. Ever. Really. WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THAT LOOK?!
10. He thinks Eddie McGuire better be careful when he gets back from Vancouver, because he's unpopular enough to have made it onto the List Of People That Require Unfortunate Circumstances, and once you're on the List, chances are you won't escape it until the recapper foretells said unfortunate circumstances. (See also: Michael Jackson, Australian Survivor winner Rob Dickson, Kyle Sandilands.)
11. He was as bored reading this list as you were. [Edit: And can apparently count as well as your unborn demon spawn.]
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